Shattering Mistake
by LylicaGalatea
Summary: Kanda has a breakdown, he's confused and shattered. How will he overcome his hate for the Moyashi now that he is the only one who can help? - a very juicy KandaAllen
1. Chapter 1

**My first fanfic. I'm trying to make it credible... a part from the fact that they'll fall for eachother, thery are going to do it in a credible way. So if you are looking for nose bleeds and lovey dovey hugs stop reading.**

**However if you like messed up Kanda and some very juicy yaoi scenes please keep reading and don't forget to review. Since it's my first fic I need all your comments.**

**By the way, this first chapter will make you understand why Kanda is all messed up... hope the contrast between "before" and "after" his mistake is strong and clear.**

**Enjoy!**

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_  
He has just sliced a level one, the explosion obscuring his sight for a moment. He jumps on a nearby roof, his movements fluid and elegant, hair firmly tied in his ponytail._

_He is calm, he knows exactly what he's doing, and no Akuma will be more powerful than him. Not today, not ever._

_He takes a slow breath, perched on a chimney, and spots another level one far down the road. He starts running along the rooftops, silent and elegant like a cat, jumping from house to house, until he is right above the Akuma._

_That stupid level one hasn't even heard him approaching. He smirks, sure about himself, and jumps._

_His coat opens up behind him like black wings while he is falling, his arms fluidly extending behind his head to hit the Akuma with maximum momentum. He's handsome, still in midair, grinning wildly of pleasure for he knows he never fails and that one slice of his will be more than enough to kill that lowly creature._

_He lightly lands on top of the Akuma, perfectly balanced on his boots, and slices down pushing his sword through it with the strength of his whole body. He jumps off the collapsing enemy gloating and proud, and observes the scene, crouching on the handrail of a balcony, elbows on his knees, Mugen resting on one shoulder and the other arm lazily pointing down._

_Nobody of his fellow exorcists knows this but he recently likes to briefly watch the Akuma explode before turning to killing the others. It's his private moment of glory, when he can enjoy the results of his hard work. He has never enjoyed killing, but he has recently gave in to the horrors of the war, and to not go mad, to save his mind he, the cold Kanda, fools himself in thinking of killing the Akuma as nothing more than a style practice, an enjoyable game to improve his skills._

_He is aware of it but he hopes he will keep this going for just as long as he doesn't go insane, no more than that._

_And in the couple of seconds it takes for him to think he has made another perfect kill, the Akuma explodes, crashing down on the house opposite to Kanda. He pushes on his feet, jumping away of the blast and shock wave, ready for another perfect kill but just then he sees it... her... a lump of ragged clothes hidden behind a cart, big crying eyes darting from him to the Akuma and back, her mouth open but silent._

_"Fuck hell, it's too late!"_

_He's in midair, he can't change the course of his jump. He needs to land on the other roof before turning to jump back to the street to save her... but it's too late. Once his feet touch and turn in an instant, ready to push him back, she's already disappearing under the rubble of the collapsing house... their eyes meet, hers fixed on him, and until they are covered in dust she keeps watching him, shocked, pleading for help. Hoping._

_._

___He collapses on his knees, shocked, this wasn't supposed to happen._

___She wasn't supposed to be there. He wasn't supposed to make a mistake. He never makes mistakes! He's Kanda for fuck's sake, he's the best Exorcist out there! _

___Feeling nauseous like a hand squeezing his guts and tearing them upside down he stares with wide eyes at the roof beneath him: "Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck!"_

___It's more painful than any physical injury he has ever sustained, his head throbbing like Lavi was banging his hammer on it._

___What is it?_

___Guilt?_

___Humiliation?_

___Failure?_

___Shame?_

___God it's all of them together. He has never felt any of these, but now he had been too busy ignoring reality to just keep going and feeling great about his swordsmanship than actually checking what the Akuma was doing in that small street._

___He has made a mistake, and someone has died because of it._

___He has made a mistake._

___He feels shattered._

___Kanda, the ice cold godly exorcist, finally breaks down... and sobs his heart out, shaking, both hands on Mugen's hilt, pinned down on the roof to support his head._

.

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He wakes up with a jump in his bed, in his room, sweat wetting his bed sheets, his sight blurry for all the tears raining down. Leaning on one elbow he raises the other hand to his heart, feeling it under the naked skin, pumping adrenaline in his system like he had been fighting hordes of Akumas.

Shallow breaths and eyes wide, he's panting and scared like never before in his life.

What a nightmare.

He clenches his fist on the bed sheet, shuts his eyes and groans.

Hell... no. That wasn't a nightmare.

It was worse than any nightmare, more disturbing and painful: those were memories.

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**Troubled Kanda is so so sexy, don't you agree?**

**I'm sure you understand that Kanda is so shocked by having made a mistake... not really by the death of a kid. He's still a cold bastard in that respect!**

**Allen comes in the next chapter (I've written the first 4 already... but I'm going to wait for your comments before submitting them... I'd like to know your opinion before continuing)... get ready for some action ;)**

**Thanks for reading,**

**Lylica Galatea**

**ps. Since I'm not English there might be some mistakes... please point them out, I won't get angry, I need to improve my language as well!**

IMPORTANT: I can't properly edit the text of the chapters... single line breaks apparently don't work, so I have to use dots and return to fake a paragraph space. I'm sorry for this. Does anyone have this problem too? Any advice?


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for your support on my first chapter. I hope to keep you interested!**

**This chapter is the direct continuation of the previous... go read what has happened in the last few lines there if you don't get why it is starting like this.  
**

**Say hello to Allen, and his bare chest. (oh yeah.. Kanda's too ;) )**

Their first contact, misunderstanding and the birth of their bond. Funny ending awaits you (poor Allen)

**warning: vomiting and retching. not described in every disgusting detail, but enough to make a strong image.**

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Kanda tries to calm down, but nausea makes him scramble out of bed and head towards the toilets without putting the pyjama's shirt on.

It is very quiet in the corridor, his nauseous groans resound in the chilly air and he leans on the walls a couple of times before starting to run with a hand pressed on his mouth as he's feeling just too sick.

_"Tch, how low have you fallen Yuu Kanda... to run bare foot to the toilets loosing all composure for the risk of thr__owing up in a fucking corridor."_

He dashes in, slamming the door open and runs to the nearest toilet, kneeling down in front of it. It's not the first time since he has gotten back from Spain that he ends up throwing up after dreaming of that moment. He hates himself for this, he's becoming such a weakling.

His eyes have caught an image while he was dashing past the sinks but only now he realises that what he has seen was a person, standing in front of a mirror, water and soap bubbles dripping down his startled face.

He can't keep it in anymore and while tears of humiliation slide out his shut eyes he vomits all the lunches and dinners he has ever eaten in his whole life.

_"Fucking hell! He just has to be here right now, right? I couldn't do this on my own, he fucking has to be here! And for fuck's sake it had to be him!!"_

He is sizzling with shame, he doesn't want to do this in the first place and now he too knows, he witnesses his weak moment and for sure he's going to freak out and panic and call Lenalee, Komui, Reever and all the damn tower is going to be up to see the unbreakable Kanda vomit his soul in a fucking toilet.

Just great!

_"Fucking Moyashi."_

His head is nearly exploding with each turn his stomach makes, his eyes trying to pop out for the effort and his back arching forward with every motion. He hates how disgusting his retching sounds and he doesn't know if he is crying for the pain, the effort or the shame, but he is, he is fucking crying again.

_"I. don't. cry. For fuck's sake!"_

Then, he feels a velvet hand sliding onto his forehead, supporting his straining head, delicate fingers refreshing his burning skin and keeping his head from exploding. Another hand is gently gathering all of his loose hair which is draping on his sweating back, around his arms and dangerously close to the toilet, keeping them in a ponytail.

He wants to shove the damn Moyashi away but he is too busy coping with his painful retches...or, although he would never admit it out loud, the contact of Allen's fresh hand on his hot forehead is kind of pleasant and he can push his head against it with every retch and feel... supported.

_"__Fucking hell, I don't want to be supported by Moyashi!"_

Allen's other hand's fingers are entwined in his hair behind his head, keeping them out of the way and letting his sweating back feel refreshed... although he still doesn't want others to witness this he knows it would be worse without Allen's help, and that he'll think about a way of forcing the Moyashi not to spill it out to the others later.

He concentrates on his spasms, becoming oblivious of Allen beside him.

After what seems to him like an endless time his retches slow down, he starts feeling a bit better and feels Allen shift a bit next to him. Immediately all of his newly born nice thoughts about Allen are swept away and he starts being annoyed:

_"If he says one word, one fucking nice word now, I swear I'll punch h__im so hard I'll break his ribs."_

But Allen doesn't say a word. He moves away releasing Kanda's ponytail on the older boy's shoulder when this one sits leaning on the wall and without a sound walks to a nearby sink, soaking his towel in cold water and filling a glass up.

Kanda observes in silence as he is too tired to even stand up, and with a very ungrateful "Tch" accepts the wet towel and glass of water from Allen's hands.

The silence is getting on his nerves, he knows Allen is going to say something concerned, something nice and he doesn't want to be pitied so he decides to break it first:

"Don't you dare tell this to anyone or you'll be as good as dog meat as soon as I find out, got it?"

Good job Kanda! As rude as one can get! You manage to stay in character! Wo-hoo!

He doesn't get an answer though, which gets him curious, and while faking a sip from the glass of water he raises an eyebrow and sends a quick glance to the younger exorcist.

Allen is only wearing his trousers and boots, his slim but well-built torso exposed to the chill of the night air. He is leaning with his back to the wall, his hands behind his butt, and his head lowered resting his chin on his chest. His eyes closed and silent, irritatingly silent.

"Speak, Moyashi" he commands.

Allen twitches at being called Moyashi but somehow decides not to reply to it, and calmly says: "Me? It's you who should have something to talk about. I'm listening."

"As if I'd ever talk to you. There's nothing to talk about anyway."

"You think I haven't noticed? Ever since our last mission you've been acting strange. I know you hate it when people intrude your privacy and that's why I've been refraining from talking to you but..."

"Tch, you were scared I'd slice you up with Mugen."

"Well, yeah, that too" Allen smirks "but appreciate it that I haven't said anything about you to Komui... you know... he might have wanted to check on you."

Kanda pales at the thought of Komui's check ups... well, more than he already has after emptying his self in the toilet.

Allen laughs at his reaction "You see, I've been considerate of you! But you shouldn't deny... something... has happened in Spain, because although you are as cold and as rude as always, people will start seeing you're acting strange, especially Lavi and Lenalee, and they'll want answers."

Allen pauses before continuing, eyes again fixed on his boots, while Kanda is still sitting against the wall following Allen's moving lips as the boy quietly talks.

"I know how it feels to always lie. That's also why I could so easily see you were strange. And... I also know how bad it feels when someone shows you they are concerned about you, or that they are hurt by knowing you are in pain, or that they want to help you and that for this to happen you need to tell them everything... to expose yourself and..."

"Get to the point, Moyashi, I'm freezing my ass here" Kanda interrupts while trying to get up.

Since Kanda is still weak and wobbly an absentminded Allen reaches for his waist pulling him up and steadying him on his feet. Kanda is dumbfounded by having Allen so close to him, his head was lowered as he was resting his hand on the floor to push himself up and when Allen hugged him his face was cradled by the curve of Allen's neck and shoulder.

The scent of Allen's jasmine soap, the sudden contact of their chests and of Allen's leg in between his makes Kanda's head spin. He doesn't know if he still is weak and the lift up has been too sudden, or that the contact of naked skin isn't disgusting as he would imagine (which he wouldn't admit anyway), but he has to cling on Allen's back not to loose the balance and that just gets things worse.

Oh yeah, Kanda is going to panic soon because of the unexpected shiver of pleasure he gets from hugging Allen and his antisocial killer instincts are growing inside him as a very Kanda-like reaction to embarrassed pleasure.

In turn, Allen is just too deep in thought with his monologue, murmuring to himself to notice any of this: "Yeah, I mean, people force you to talk when they realise something's wrong, they don't let you choose but then they will never look at you again with the same eyes..."

At the moment he realises he has embraced Kanda without knowing it, and that the Japanese boy is radiating quite a killer aura he jumps back panicking and shaking his hands in front of his chest in an incredulous and scared way.

He stutters "Oh, yeah, ok, you got it, come talk to me if and when you feel like it, you can trust me... wellbyebyegottago!!"

And with this he races out of the toilets as if a tiger were after his ass... which was going to be quite true if he had waited just one second more.

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**Humiliation, shame and selfloathing... Hooray for Kanda!**

**jasmine soap, very sexy scent... too much for my weakened Japanese!**

**And God, Allen, I know I'd hug him too... but you're risking your life there! Run Allen, run!  
**

**Next chapter is yummy, if you know what I mean.**

**Please review!**

**Lylica Galatea**


	3. Chapter 3

**For those of you Allen lovers, here's an Allen based chapter ... I know I know don't come saying Where's Kanda?? We need this chapter and Kanda's coming back in the next one! Anyway Kanda is present here too... just... not in flesh and blood ;) And he's sexy all the way! Read on and tell me what you think by reviewing! Thanks  
**

again, go back to last chapter if you don't get what's going on at the beginning of this one. Enjoy!

**warning:** masturbation.

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Allen runs for his life and only stops in the safety of his room, shutting and double locking the door as if that could stop Kanda if he truly were on a rampage.

"_How the hell did I end up in a half naked embrace with Kanda? Thank god he didn't have Mugen by his waist otherwise I'd be minced meat already. What's wrong with me? I must be insanely masochist to get that close to him without warning or even realising it... half naked in addition!"_

He realises he is still facing the door of his room, one hand on the doorknob and the other one squeezed by his stomach against the door. He bumps his forehead on the wood to regain some clarity of mind, but that doesn't help much. He sighs, turns and slides to the floor, leaning against the door, his legs wobbly for the adrenaline draining from his muscles.

He rests his head on his arms, crossed on his knees, and rewinds his memories about what just happened.

"_It's the first time I've seen Kanda sick... It's quite worrying considering the quick way he usually heals of every deathly injury. But I guess that only works on physical injuries. Something must have happened in Spain, because he's been too quiet and apathetic since, sometimes not even reacting to me teasing him!_

_I still can't believe my eyes... I thought he would elbow my groin if I tried to help him, but in the end he let me support his head and his hair without protesting._

_This is even stranger than being sick coming from him!!_

_At least he looked really annoyed... eh! Since it's Kanda I'm talking about this shouldn't be that strange! Especially since he was sick and I bet he hated having me witness him being all weak and sick and wobbly..._

_Although… he did let me help him and he wouldn't have if he really was that annoyed by my presence. He would have found a very painful way for shoving me away growling some disgusting offence._

_..._

_Maybe he was just too busy retching to move and push me away._

_..._

_Right, he probably was annoyed at himself... eheh god Kanda never gets sick... he must feel so disgusted by himself for being human."_

Allen smirks at the thought of Kanda realising how human he is and how he could use this against him in the future, blackmailing the Japanese any time he were to threaten his life. Oh yeah this night would be a treasure for Allen's future at the Order... being able to blackmail Kanda is going to be a huge step forward for his wellbeing.

"_No Kanda threatening my life anymore! As long as I can use this against him I..._

_Tch… No…"_

He shakes his head, guilt creeping up on him even before having _done_ anything with the information he acquired. Just the mere thought of blackmailing Kanda with a painful moment of weakness is making him disgusted with himself.

He sighs, knowing that he will never be able to use this against Kanda, even if he wanted to, and stands up. He walks to his bed, changes into his pyjamas and lays down, with his arms behind his head, eyes lost in the shadows on the ceiling above his bed.

"_I can't do that. I can't use or expose a friend's weakness... especially Kanda's._

_I mean... he's a rock and all of his life has been built around him being strong and perfect. Using this against him would be the cruellest thing I could ever do to him._

_Moreover I feel... for the first time in my life here I feel... close... to Kanda._

_Actually... he probably is the only one who could understand me now."_

It's a shocking thought but... not in a bad way. He feels he has shared a very intimate moment with the cold-hearted Japanese and that this has brought them closer to each other, or at least he hopes it will. He believes what he has told Kanda, that he has something he needs to talk about and that he would be there to listen.

Curiosity does peek into Allen's mind but he refrains from giving in to it. He knows he's the first one to have secrets in the Order and that he would hate it if any of his friends were to witness one of his _moments_. Especially if they weren't to let go afterwards, harassing him with questions and feeling concerned. He would feel guilty and exposed and he wouldn't know how to live with this new situation.

He turns on his side, curling up until his cheek rests on his elbow and sighing he hopes Kanda won't hate him more than before for being there with him. Actually, he thinks shutting his eyes, that's the most probable thing that's going to happen, that instead of getting closer this thing will make them more awkward and Kanda more hateful towards him...

Unexpected sadness overwhelms him at the thought of being hated by Kanda, and he pulls his pillow down along his body, hugging it with his arms and one leg, hiding his face in it. The recent memory of being comfortable in someone's hug, no, in Kanda's hug, fills him with a mix of emotions: fear, pleasure, longing and confusion... and giggling with the thought he'd gladly try it one more time if Kanda were once again too weak to kill him, he drifts off into sleep...

He dreams he is cradled in someone's hug... someone strong that makes him feel safe... someone who understands him... and accepts him... without questions... without judging.

He sees black long air sliding as a curtain around them, strong arms pulling him closer and soft lips touching his neck and shoulder... the feeling so real his young body reacts by hardening without waking up. He doesn't remember Kanda's lips had really touched his neck and shoulder while he was pulling him up, but his body had felt it and now all the contact of their bodies, their naked chests against each other, their thighs in between the other's legs, they all come to hunt him as he gives in to caresses and kisses in his dream, hugging the pillow and stroking himself with it in an unconscious way of giving himself pleasure.

He's moaning in his sleep and panting lightly, his eyelids fluttering open to reveal the white of his eyes, he rhythmically presses his abdomen against the pillow clenching it with his hands, dreaming of loving the person who is making him feel so accepted in his dream. He's sweating and breathing harder now, kicking the bed sheets away with each quick thrust of his waist until, still sleeping, he finally pulls his head backwards, opening his mouth for a strangled whimper and he releases his seed in his boxers, trembling.

"_How strange..."_

his unconscious lazily floats in the back of his sleeping mind as he relaxes

"..._that it didn't feel awkward to imagine doing it with Kanda..."_

He moans of pleasure and satisfaction, making himself comfortable and falls deeply asleep.

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**Wah... sexy Allen. He's such a sweetie... dreaming of Kanda because he feels close to him... Who wants to have that dream of his? -raises hand-**

**Next chapter is hilarious... wait for it!**

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	4. Chapter 4

**So here we go again! Kanda this time... poor love he's so confused and you know what a confused Kanda looks like? Very very dangerous! (and yes very very hot too :D )**

**I'm sure you'll love this chapter... feel free to share some love by reviewing ;)**

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It's a warm and sunny morning, birds happily chirping on the balconies, the usually gloomy corridors full of bright pools of light, the sun shining strong inside the Black Tower. The first day of spring has blossomed in all its glory, pink cherry flowers dancing in the warm air, and laughs can be heard in the staircase and around the corners.

The cafeteria looks like a party hall, happy faces and wild grins on everyone's faces. Jerry merrily offers fresh fruit juices and ice cream that he has made, brightened up by the good weather while Lavi, more hyper than usual, jumps from one table to another, patting his friends' backs and telling one joke after the other, contributing to the happy mood of the morning.

Suddenly though, a dark, gloomy aura penetrates the cafeteria, as if a small storm has managed to survive the end of winter, blowing cold winds that make people stop smiling and shiver, gulping down their breakfasts to get away from the approaching ice storm. The delicate petals brought in by the breeze wither away in an instant dropping on the floor, some dry, some frozen, while a high pitch screech comes from a distance like in some bad horror movie.

And who is the person surrounded by this ominous feeling? Who is the exorcist who, annoyed by the happy mood of the people around him, slowly but fiercely walks straight to Jerry and commands: "Soba. Tempura. Now."?

Exactly.

Yuu Kanda.

In an extremely bad mood, far worse than his usual morning anger.

Silence befalls on the dining hall, people quickly finishing up their meal or sliding away silently still munching their last mouthful of food. Even Lavi, who for a second has thought of cheering his Yuu-chan up with a morning hug, decides it is best to go visit Panda and do some work... yeah... the library doesn't seem that bad, compared to Kanda's bitter mood.

Kanda has his reasons for being this angry though, since after his encounter with Allen in the toilets he didn't manage to get a good sleep for rest of the night. And this annoys him beyond logic. He bets Allen has fallen asleep right after going back to his room, but he hasn't.

It took him a while to go back to his room, his mind was clouded by too many thoughts and he very slowly walked back thinking, the idea of shutting himself in his stuffy room not that tempting.

He was confused. And that made him angrier with himself because he is never confused, he is always dead honest with himself and thanks to this he always knows what his opinion is about any topic. But not last night.

A couple of things have happened that he can't explain, and the fact that they involve that idiot Moyashi is blinding his judgement and making it more difficult to think straight. It would be easier to just forget about it all, but Kanda doesn't like to fool himself... well... at least not anymore, not after Spain.

"Tch"

So he recaps:

"_First of all that waste of a human has had the guts of getting close to me in a moment of weakness to help me (help. me!!), instead of disappearing from the toilets, but what's worse is that I have let him!! Well yeah I was vomiting my guts out so I was quite busy with myself, but still, I haven't shoved the Moyashi away even when he pulled me up and instead I have felt... better... at his ... support and... touch?"_

A light surprised shiver runs under his skin at the memory of Allen's naked chest against his... and a not-at-all-painful sensation squeezes his heart and abdomen at the idea of being so close to the boy's body.

This last thought freaks him out.

It's only his discipline that refrains him from screaming out loud but he does claw down on the wooden post of the kitchen. Jerry's arm shakily stretches from the darkness to silently put Kanda's order on the counter, hoping to be ignored by the boy's killer eyes, but then he curiously peeks from his hiding spot since Kanda is iced to the floor and doesn't even see the plate ready for him. Strange, strange Kanda this morning!

"A-hem! Breakfast's ready!" he shakingly says and hides.

Kanda's eyes twitch and look startled... Oh God Kanda is never startled, he can always see everything and anything coming!

Jerry faints fearing the end of the world is approaching as Kanda swipes his tray from the kitchen counter and stomps to the nearest empty table. Well, the ones close to him were _all_ empty by now anyway.

And as he eats he keeps recalling:

_**.You think I haven't noticed? Ever since our last mission you've been acting strange.**_

"_Only you noticed uh? Well duh anyway... would you be fine after having your first breakdown ever?_

_...Or whatever Lavi would call that _moment_ on the roof..._

_It's just... I was such an asshole... how could I even think that taking the war lightly wasn't going to have consequences? However I couldn't keep fighting otherwise, I had to force myself somehow, I just had to._

_But I can't keep fighting now either... at least not in the same way I used to._

_I... I'm not perfect... I've made mistakes... what if I make more mistakes again? What if to die for my mistake is one of us instead of some unknown kid? Oh yes people die in wars... but not for my mistakes. I save people, I don't let them die!_

_...What if Moyashi dies because I'm not able to protect him?..."_

This last sentence floats uncalled for in his mind and he almost chokes on his breakfast.

"_Oh what the fuck now? What the hell is going on?_

_I sound like a hysterical cry baby _and_ I worry about that idiot? Get a hold on yourself Yuu Kanda!"_

And he slaps his forehead with a growl... People look scared: Kanda is hitting himself... run for your life!

"_It's... I... fuck it's the first time I'm in such a messed up state. I don't even know what to think. It's not like I can go up to Komui and say "Oi I'm fucking confused don't think I am much of a reliable exorcist right now, give me a holiday break."_

_Even the beansprout knows they wouldn't let me off the hook easily and would keep asking questions and feel worried._

_Tiedoll would cry his heart out... tch... damn softy. Marie... I can't tell him this... he wouldn't trust me with his life anymore... fuck... no one would trust me with their life anymore if I told them this!_

_Yeah, no one would trust me."_

_**.come talk to me if and when you feel like it, you can trust me.**_

_"Tch as if I'd ever talk about this with Moyashi! He may have said some right things yesterday but this doesn't mean I'm so desperate I'll open up to him!_

_I guess I'll have to keep my mouth shut around the others and deal with this my own way."_

And off he goes... in denial of needing to open up to Allen, once again fooling himself… he'll clear his mind in the only way he knows: exercising until fainting from fatigue.

.

.

At least this was his plan. But he just can't concentrate, Allen's words resound from nowhere in his mind annoying like bees in an ear while all he wants to do is concentrate on his breathing.

breath in

breath out

breath in

_**.I know how it feels to always lie.**_

breath out

breath in

_**.I could so easily see you were strange.**_

breath out

He shakes his head growling.

breath in

_**.you need to tell them everything... expose yourself.**_

breath out

_**.they will never look at you again with the same eyes.**_

breath in

_**.come talk to me.**_

brea..._**.you can trust me.**_

th out _**.I know how it feels.**_

_**.you can trust me.**_

_**.come talk to…**_

"AAARGH!! DAMN MOYASHI!! We'll see now if you can live up to your words!!"

And with this he storms out of the training grounds with all the intentions of killing Allen of a horrible death if he can't do what he has boasted the night before.

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**Oh yes Kanda... you ARE desperate enough to go talk to Allen :D**

**Next chapter... well... you'll understand why I'm rating this fic M ;)**

**And! Freaked out Allen comes back!**

**I know you'll love it... now off to review!  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**warning: (hot hot shower) masturbation.**

**and freaked out, hilarious Allen comes back :D**

again I use dots to fake paragraph spaces.

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Allen definitely isn't an early riser, so while Kanda is already radiating frozen anger in the training grounds he lazily stretches in his bed, moaning a satisfied purr.

_"Mmmm I damn sure fe__el satisfied this morning... It's been quite a long time since I last slept this well."_

It doesn't take long though for him to realise he's wet but being a naive cutie as he is, he doesn't immediately think of his yummy dream. Instead he freaks out and blushing hard screams:

"Holy cow I've peed myself wet!"

It is only when he undresses to wear something less embarrassing to the showers room that the truth crashes on his head like a 3 tons rock.

_"What... the..."_

And his blush intensifies to a pretty shade of strawberry. If he were a teapot his ears would be going _Weeeee_ at the moment. He balls his pyjamas up, wears his bathrobe and still blushing heads for the showers. He still can't believe he came into his boxers...yes, he's 15, he's healthy and all but it is just... just... He can't think of anything to say against how natural it is for a teenager to have such episodes at night, still he blushes harder and almost runs to hide in a shower before anyone can see him.

.

And nobody sees him, except for Kanda who storms in the corridor a split second before the boy turns the corner at the opposite end of the hallway. He doesn't care if Allen is going to the showers, he needs to talk with the boy and damn he's going to talk to him!

And he dismisses the image of naked Allen that flashes in his mind with a growl. It's not like he's going _in_ the shower with him anyway!

Just then Lenalee's voice reaches him from behind, making him stop at the intersection of the two corridors:

"Kanda!! Nii-san wants to talk to you in his office"

"I can't"

"It's about a mission Kanda…"

"Five minutes, give me five damn minutes."  
"Oh, ok…"

"No, fifteen."

"Kanda!"

"Fifteen, Lenalee. Go tell your fucking crazy brother I'll be there in 15 minutes!"

"Fine… Just… hurry up, whatever you need to do."

He nods and shoos Lenalee away, watching and waiting until she disappears at the end of the corridor that he has come from. He then turns to stare at the end of the other corridor, eyes fixed on the corner he has seen Allen turn a while ago. He stands there unsure for quite a while, and then very slowly heads towards the showers, masking his embarrassment with a scary face.

.

In the meanwhile Allen is having quite a shower because for some reason it is just under the hot fumes of the water that he has remembered his hot dream. And apparently his body isn't satisfied with just one night pleasure. Oh he's fighting it, trying to shut the images of passion out of his mind but we know it right? Passion is passion and so he finds himself with a throbbing member and a closed stomach at the thought of… well… fucking Kanda.

Lust is an attractive sensation… it can clear your mind of any belief that your rationality poses as a barrier against an intercourse. And if you normally swear you are not gay and will never be aroused by thinking about another man, you can find yourself discarding those ideas without a second thought for in that moment all your mind thinks is: Who cares? It's not like I'm doing anything for real. It feels good and I want more of this.

So with a trembling hand and eyes squeezed shut in disbelief as if not to see what he's ready to do, Allen reaches for his member and with a soundless sigh takes it in his hand.

His head resting on his forearm, water hitting his neck and shoulders and dripping from his parted lips, he's gently stroking himself, more and more relaxing and accepting the fact that he is indeed aroused by Kanda. The thought that all this time that he has hated the Japanese (still ending up watching his every single move), he may have been denying his attraction towards him blooms inside him with a sudden epiphany. He thus timidly starts fantasising about the Japanese, first thinking about his dream, then daring to imagine being with him in the shower.

He is quite surprised by himself but the shivers of pleasure he is getting at the mere thought of Kanda make him easily forget about all his doubts. Kanda is behind him in his fantasy, water splashing on both, his chest pressed against his back. He imagines his hand on his organ as Kanda's and this thought makes him tighten his grip and move his hand faster, digging the nails of the other hand in his palm. Some mind-blowing minutes go by before he jerks his waist forward into his hand, gasping with the effort of not making a sound, reaching a violent orgasm, his hand slowing down to a gentle rub and his legs very wobbly and unstable.

He opens his eyes trying to slow his panting down when a loud shout makes him jump to the ceiling dead white with his heart plopping out of his mouth and onto the floor:

"OI MOYASHI!"

.

"K-KANDA?!"

He turns the hot water to freezing cold and sends a shout for the sudden pain, but better freezing over than having Kanda witness _this_ moment of his!

"We need to talk!"

Poor Allen is bewildered, the shock combined to the water splashing on him makes his ears get: "We need to fuck!"

And he hysterically yells "NO WE CAN'T! Never ever, we definitely can't!"

"Wha…? You dare say no to me Moyashi?!

You suggested this yourself yesterday! You have no saying in this anyway now that I've made my decision, so get the hell out of there!"

Allen's terrified, although he was actually giving himself pleasure by thinking about Kanda he is just shocked at the sudden request and gasps that he is not ready yet, although he's quite confused too: when exactly had he actually proposed some wild sex to Kanda??

Kanda, oblivious like a hibernating bear, insists:

"Whad'you mean ready? It's not like _you_ have to do anything, just be there and shut up, _I'll_ have the exhausting part! So come on out otherwise I'll come in there and get you!"

That's just too much. Allen faints.

* * *

**Sooo I know you've already seen Allen give himself pleasure, but here he's fully awake... and thus... conscious! ;)**

**God it aroused me _lots_ to write his shower thing... O.O tell me in your reviews if you liked it too ;)  
**

**Next chap: what will Kanda do to fainted Allen?  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**And finally Kanda realises it feels good to take care of someone, and that it won't kill him to rely on Allen.**

**Nothing smexy as you all my lovely perv readers asked for, but a very important step for Kanda's heart on his way of givin in to Allen.**

**Don't worry though, you'll have a smexy something before he leaves for his mission :)**

* * *

"Moyashi do you hear me? Get out of there now!

Answer me Beansprout or you'll regret this!

What's the problem? You want me to call you by your fucking real name? Fine!

-_shit I'm falling lower than the lowest_-

Allen the Idiot!

There! I said it, now get out!"

Well we know it, Kanda _is_ slow sometimes so it takes him a bit to realise that Allen isn't moving. Not that he can _see_ him but the sound of water splashing down is just too even, no body breaking the water jet.

He bangs on the wooden swing: "Oi Allen?!" and when he gets no answer he just knows he has to get in there and drag that idiot's butt out… no… that idiot's _naked_ butt out.

He peeks inside the shower and groans _"Stupid Moyashi has really fainted… He's so hopeless."_ and grumbling takes his coat and shirt off. _"I'm keeping my pants though!"_

He stretches one arm inside the shower and closes the freezing faucet, then he steps in, a bit lightheaded as if he's peeking at something very naughty and private with the thrill of being caught… To his surprise Allen _is_ quite handsome, his wet bangs curving on his cheeks and drops of water trailing down each inch of skin… ah the damn jasmine scent again!

Kanda angrily shakes his head, he is _not_ going to get stunned by that damn idiot! And with a strange urge he throws a big white towel on him, wrapping him before taking him in his arms and carrying him outside.

Allen is cold against Kanda's chest, his pale face resting on his shoulder: _"Tch… idiot, the water was so cold your lips are turning blue."_

He is tempted by the idea of leaving the idiot on the bench and go to Komui but he needs to talk to the boy before leaving for another mission, he isn't sure he'll be able to complete it without mistakes if he doesn't clear his mind of all the questioning-my-abilities-shit. And Allen, being that deep emo kid he sometimes is will surely be able to tell him how to deal with… doubts.

So he sits down on the bench, still holding Allen on his lap, with one arm supporting his back and with the other hand… twitching in front of Allen's face. The problem is that he's not sure what to do, should he slap the boy hard? Well that would awake him for sure but then he probably wouldn't want to listen to Kanda… so he thinks about what other people would do… like what would Lavi do?

"_Like hell I'm going to kiss him! Tch… Bad idea… I can fucking manage one fainted boy."_

Allen is so cold on his lap and his lips are drained of all their natural shade that he instinctively pulls him closer and holds his neck in his hand, warming it up. He slides his fingers on Allen's cheek and forehead, moving the still dripping hair from his eyes and lowering the rim of the towel below Allen's chin, so as to let him breath more comfortably, yeah right, more like to have a better look at his features!

Kanda is deep in thought, he has never seen Allen's face this close and for sure he has never seen him naked before! Too many things happening these days, a growing intimacy with this boy he hasn't asked for. He gently rubs his thumb on the red tattoo on Allen's eye, cradling his cheek in the palm of his hand while wondering how it has come down to this, from hating the guts of this kid to holding him close trying to gently warm him and wake him up because he… needs him.

Necessity makes a man compromise. And compromises bring a man to discover that something he has been avoiding at all costs can in reality not be as bad as he was thinking.

Allen is defenceless in his arms and instead of shoving him away, first for the necessity of not making him mad and then because he is unexpectedly savouring the emotion, he is starting to feel… protective and that Allen too needs his support sometimes.

"_Because he's a clumsy idiot who faints in the shower. What would he have done if I weren't here?"_

Denial, Kanda, denial.

Not that he will ever tell Allen this but the new intimacy, and reciprocal support are somewhat… reassuring, they put him at peace. He doesn't regret sitting there in silence being so needed by the Moyashi, and his heart hopes Allen will truly be able to live up to his words because the sudden thought of not having to lie to at least one person, to be able to talk to him about his problems and not loose his trust… well… it doesn't sound as bad as he had thought.

.

And while Kanda reaches the conclusion that he wouldn't probably mind relying _a bit_ on Allen if he were able to solve his problems, Allen wakes up, naked on Kanda's lap, warm in his bare skin hug, with his face held by Kanda's hand so close to his that he breathes in the same warm air the Japanese is breathing out.

"… _Am I dreaming again?..."_

_**.We need to fuck! You'll just have to be there, I'll have the exhausting part!.**_

Allen freaks out.

* * *

**Poor Kanda, he's in for some crazy Allen!**

**Next chap also features devil Komui .** It is a needed chap, but I believe you will not get satisfied with it, so I will submit two chaps next time, but you'll have to promise me you'll review both!


	7. Chapter 7

**I want to thank you all for your support and amazing reviews. I think you are being too nice to me, not talking about anything negative, but it is very rewarding to have such a great response to my first fanfic.**

**So as I said before, I'm going to submit two chaps today, but I'd appreciate it if you reviewed both.**

**This chap here may look like a filler but it is actually quite important. I've also tried to make it funny, so I'm sure you'll enjoy it.**

* * *

Allen starts screaming hysterically, jumping away from Kanda with his jaw dropping to his knees. He points a much shaking finger at his friend shouting "What the hell is going on?? What did you do to me??" but stumbles on the towel and falls on his butt in front of the bench. He curls up with a scared and outraged pout grabbing all the loose ends of the towel covering his body and balling them up on his chest like a shield. And he stares at Kanda consciously ignoring the fact that he would probably enjoy being with him if it were done properly, while Kanda is so shocked by Allen's sudden reaction he needs some moments before regaining his composure and saying the first thing that comes to his lips: "Tch."

"Don't _tch_ me Kanda! What were you doing to me? You knocked me out to take advantage of me??"

"What are you an idiot Moyashi?? You fainted in the damn shower!"

"So you decided to take advantage of me?!"

"Wha…? No way! I was… I…"

"You were what?!"

"Helping you, ok?! Oh forget it! I just needed to talk to you but my time's up now anyway."

Kanda gathers his clothes and stomps away leaving a very much confused Allen behind.

"_What the… Kanda was helping me? He needed to _talk_? To _me_?!_

_I don't think I get what's going on…"_

.

.

A few minutes later a fully clothed Kanda storms into Komui's office and sits on the couch with a very, very dangerous look. He's late but he doesn't care, he's got other thoughts on his mind:

"_What is he? His brain malfunctions… how could I think I could talk to him?__ He's just too stupid, this thing could never work._

_Me, taking advantage of him? Who the hell does he think I am? Support and understanding my ass, he believes I'd hump him while he's unconscious!"_

Theses thoughts translate to Komui as Kanda staring into nothing fuming, gritting his teeth and occasionally hissing a curse. Not the nicest view.

"A-hem! Good morning?"

"Good morning my ass."

"Oh, yeah, right. Aaanyway, I wanted to talk to you because there are two new missions and I need to send you on one. They are both very similar so you get to choose."

"No people."

"What?"

"If there is a mission that doesn't involve civilians, I'm going to take that one." _So if I screw up again I don't end up killing other humans_.

"Oh, mmm yeah, you're not the friendliest exorcist we have so I must agree with you. Well then, you're lucky. One of the two missions will have you deal with one person only: an old hermit who is said to miraculously control water. You need to check on him to see if this is true, if it is caused by Innocence and escort him here if he is an accommodator."

"Fine. Where is he?"

"Yeah that is… well he's… somewhere… around… I'd say… I don't know."

"Don't fucking kid with me! Whadd'you mean you don't know?" Kanda's hand travels to Mugen's hilt and Komui hides under his desk.

"He's a nomad! He lives in the Sahara! He might be anywhere!"

"Fuck."

"Well at least you're going to be all alone for quite a long time!"

"Why can't Lavi go? He can travel fast with his hammer."

"Lavi's busy with Bookman in the Library of Alexandria."

"Lenalee?"

"How cruel! Would you send my precious Lenalee in the desert all on her own??"

Mugen clicks when the hilt slides back from the sheath.

"She's leaving on another mission today I swear, she's busy!"

"Moyashi then! He's here in the tower!"

"He'll get the second mission…"

"Where?"

"Rome."

"Hell no. _Too many fucking people I could end up killing._

Fine, I'm going. I just can't predict how long it will take though. That desert is fucking big."

"Well, we've got a lead."

Komui emerges from his desk with a goofy smile.

"He's said to appear every time a traveller is dying of thirst to help them out."

"So you mean that the only two ways I can find him are either walk the desert inch by inch hoping to stumble on him, or stop drinking until I die?"

"Until you _almost_ die. Because then he will save you! At least, this is what the legend says…"

"You're insane."

"You also are the only one with that miraculous healing of yours… you know, in case he doesn't really appear…"

"Fuck."

"Well then, all settled! You're going to go to Spain by train, then you'll take a boat from Gibraltar to Morocco and then…"

"No train." _No Spain_

"Uh?"

"I'll be going by sea."

"It takes longer to go by sea Kanda."

"But I'll have space to train myself while I'd bore my ass off in a compartment for that long."

"You're acting strange Kanda, is everything all right?"

_He noticed, just what that damn beansprout has warned me of._ "Tch… Just give me the damn folder."

Just before Kanda reaches the door Komui calls him back and Kanda turns around, evil eyes darting to Komui's: "What?"

"You know… since it's the first time in the desert for you, you might want to talk to someone who's already been there."

Kanda feels he kind of knows where this is going: "Who?"

"… Allen-kun…"

SLAM! The door cracks under Kanda's strength.

.

He goes straight back to his room and once he's done packing his rucksack he sits on the edge of his bed with a sudden doubt: should he try to talk to Allen again before leaving or not? He would even have an excuse to start the conversation now. Oh, he hates even the mere fact that he _needs_ Allen so much that he feels the urge of talking to him two times in a single day… or even talking to him at all! But Kanda does what Kanda needs to do, and if what he needs to do before leaving for a mission is to talk to Allen then he'll shove it and go talk to Allen again. But if the boy once more starts screaming about being raped he'll send him flying out of a window!

And with a heavy, surrendered sigh he goes to find the much hated and needed boy, again.

* * *

**Next chap: finally Kanda talks to Allen, and the boy tries to help.**

**BEFORE GOING TO THE NEXT REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW THIS ONE! (Especially because I hope it has not bored you to death)**


	8. Chapter 8

**I know you can't wait to read on, so I'm not going to keep you here.**

only thing: rememeber _italics_ are thoughts!

**Enjoy!**

* * *

It doesn't take much for Kanda to figure where Allen most probably is: after a shower comes breakfast. So he walks to the cafeteria and enters it with more of an unsure look than an angry one. Allen is hidden by piles of empty plates, noisily shoving a mount of hamburgers in his mouth.

_"How can he call that _breakfast_??_" Kanda's busy mind registers his light shock while sitting opposite to Allen. As soon as the boy eats the mount half down its height he sees Kanda's face staring at him from across the food, and almost chokes.

_"He's come to me again? What now?"_

Kanda talks before Allen can even think about something coherent to say:

"Move it, we need to talk before I leave."

"Uh?" Allen is slightly puzzled.

"Baka Moyashi you've already forgotten? I came to talk to you an hour ago didn't I? But first you fainted then you freaked out… I don't know what's wrong with you but I'm here to finish the job."

_"He just came to _talk_ before?"_

Allen tries to start eating again but Kanda's eyes are boring holes into him and he soon looses his appetite. He sits back and shrugs: "I'm done."

"Good, let's go outside."

.

Allen silently follows Kanda to the outskirts of the forest walking a few steps behind him, and as they reach a clearance Kanda leans on a tree, crossing his arms, impatient. Allen in turn shifts uncomfortably on his feet, this situation is totally new and unexpected… Kanda both being sick and needing to talk (to him) and him feeling suddenly attracted by the other.

"I'm leaving in a few hours Moyashi."

" …"

"And I've got a problem."

"…"

"I need you to tell me how to solve it before I go."

"Oh, ok, I'll try… what is it? _Don't tell me… Yesterday I told him I would listen to him and he's actually seeking my help?!"_

It's Kanda's turn to stay silent.

"Kanda? What's your problem then?"

"Tch… I… What do you do when… How do you keep fighting if… Aren't you scared of making mistakes?" he finally spats out.

"What kind of mistakes?"

"When you are on a mission, aren't you scared you could fail?"

"Of course I am."

"So how can you keep fighting then? What if someone dies because of you?"

"Well… the fear of failing at saving someone is what makes me stronger, I guess."

"Wha…?" Kanda is bewildered. "Aren't you paralysed by the fear of failing? Don't you doubt your abilities and question all of the decisions you are taking? What guarantees you they are right, uh? They could as well be wrong and someone may die for them! What would you do, uh? What would you do if someone died because you were not paying enough attention?!"  
Kanda's voice has risen throughout his vent, self control slipping through his clenched fists like water, while both fear and rage painfully show in his eyes. The Japanese isn't aware of it, but he is almost hyperventilating, for the first time in his whole life at the Order his self confidence, around which he had built all of his existence as an exorcist, has been shattered and only now he's finally putting into words all of his trauma.

"Kanda…" Allen is stunned by the sudden wave of emotions radiating from the older boy, he wasn't ready for such a vent and needs a moment before suddenly understanding what Kanda is implying. The same moment is enough for Kanda to realise what he has said, and how; and the embarrassment is so much stronger than the need for an answer that he turns to walk away, blushing abashed.

Allen reaches for his wrist, he understands a lot of Kanda's recent behaviour now and the tearing pain he feels is that of one who has already lived those emotions and would do anything for his friend not to feel them.

Kanda pulls his wrist away, furious for showing such weakness and when Allen grabs his shoulder to stop him he turns around and violently punches the British boy on the cheek. Allen at first staggers back, shocked and in pain, but then furiously shouts at him:

"So this is it? You came to look for my help and now that you've inadvertently opened up you're going to go back and forget about this? You think you can?! So why did you come talk to me in the first place??"

All Kanda's anger washes away at Allen's words; guilt, fear and confusion crushing him painfully. His chest feels painfully empty, breathing is hard and supporting himself with a hand on a tree, he covers his eyes with the other one and whispers with a closed throat: "I need… help."

At this sight Allen's anger fades away, and he walks to Kanda, very slowly hugging him, until Kanda, defeated, clings onto him and, as that time in Spain, he cries his heart out.

He doesn't realise it yet, but during his breakdown in Spain he had been alone, supported by Mugen, the only thing he cared for, while now he is finally replacing it, allowing a person to enter his intimacy. It is Allen who is keeping him from falling to his knees now, and it feels so much better to cry holding not on some_thing_ but on some_one_…

Allen holds Kanda in his hug, tightly at first since the other boy is squeezing him, and then more gently when Kanda seems to be calming down. He feels like he is being entrusted with a crystal creature, so precious and fragile that even a tiny small breath could break it. He fears Kanda will snap and resent him but instead the Japanese is left drained and only after a while very slowly releases his friend from his arms. For once in his life Kanda seems at loss for words, his tired gaze moving slowly to the root of a nearby tree, and Allen softly speaks: "When exactly are you leaving?"

Kanda weakly answers: "Around dinner time."

"Let's go to my room then, we've got some time to talk and I want to sit down."

They walk back to the tower, silently as they came… but this time they walk silently one beside the other, shoulders brushing against each other with each step.

* * *

**Ehy! You! Yeah I mean you! You who have fainted when Kanda cried in Allen's hug... tell me, aren't you dying to know what's going to happen next?**

**Muahahah -evil laugh-**


	9. Chapter 9

**Allen finally gets to help Kanda, and the boy surprises him with gratitude.  
**

Not the "thank you" you lovely pervs are waiting for, you'll have to wait until next chap for that...

A 2,000 words chapter this one, the longest up until now... but Allen has a tough time explaining Kanda how to overcome his problem, so he needed a long chap.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Allen closes the door of his room, locking it on second thought, and sits on the edge of his bed, glancing at Kanda.

"_He looks like a totally different person… God, I've never seen Kanda in such a state, what should I do?"_

Kanda is sitting on the chair in front of Allen, but more than sitting he has flopped onto it, one leg stretched in front of him and the other one bent, under the table. One arm is weakly left on his thigh while the other one is resting on the table, the hand loosely hanging down. His gaze is lost on the floor and he sighs, raising the hanging hand to rub his eyes.

He's not thinking anymore, after weeks of denying it he has finally gave in and accepted that his problem is that he doesn't trust himself anymore, that he isn't able of making a decision without doubting it, and that fear paralyses him. He can't win this battle on his own, because he has never fought a similar one and he doesn't know how to, it's too disorienting and exhausting and that's why he has given in so quickly to Allen. And so now he waits flopped on a chair, waits to be saved by Allen, who, against all of his will and might, has so easily bored a hole into his shield of lies and denial. And instead of hating him for this in the same way he would have done in the past, he's too desperate for not feeling hope and gratefulness, trust and affection.

While Kanda feels defeated by both Allen and his own problem, the British boy thinks of a way of starting the conversation. He has suggested to go back to his room because this would give Kanda the time to regain his composure, instead of awkwardly talking while his eyes where still full of tears but he had also hoped to find some words in the meanwhile. But this hasn't happened so he sits there, watching Kanda with pain in his heart of both concern and pleasure for being the only one to share this intimacy with him. After a while he decides to explain the words that had freaked Kanda out.

"What… what I meant earlier is that it is dangerous to _not_ fear, to be too self-confident."

Kanda glances at him lowering his hand. This sentence has sure caught his interest, and Allen goes on:

"When you are too sure about yourself, maybe because the task is very easy, you tend to make fast decisions, based on incomplete observations. It can go well, and it usually does, but sometimes… well… sometimes that little detail you have overlooked will turn out to be… essential."

"Tell me something I don't already know …"

"I mean that… you must use the fear of making this kind of mistakes to keep your senses sharp and be thorough."

Kanda shakes his head: "I feel fear blocking my mind… I don't know if I can trust my actions anymore."

"In this case, think that being paralysed is an action in itself."

"Uh?"

"For example, you see I'm in danger because I'm struggling against an Akuma. You want to help me but you're scared that by butting in you may make things worse… well, think that being paralysed is the same as deciding not to help me. You may not _make_ this decision but in the end you are acting like you have made it."

"Oh…"

"Don't let your fear decide in your place. Actually, you should make it your strength."

"I still don't get this thing of having fear make me stronger."

"Would you like it if I died?"

"What? No! That's the whole problem!"

"Exactly. What's the only thing you can do to save me if I'm in danger?"

"I… don't know?"

"Save me."

"Uh?!" The answer doesn't make sense to Kanda's simple mind, so Allen explains:

"The only thing you can do to save me, is actually saving me! And to save me you must be calm and take into consideration every little detail. It's as simple as that… you have to do what you need to. And we know it Kanda… that you always do what you need to do. If you'll need to save me, then you'll come up with just the right course of action, because, Kanda… this is nothing new to you. You've already done these things a million times, and as soon as you'll find yourself in a similar situation it will all come back to you automatically."

"Yeah right? And what about… _that_ time? When I wasn't oh-so-cool as you say? Why wasn't I able to then?"

"The reason is this, Kanda. That you believed you would never make a mistake. That you just _don't_ make mistakes… And this belief is what caused you to make one."

"Oh don't give me the we-are-all-humans crap. I know I'm human."

Allen burst out: "No you don't! You don't treat yourself as a human! You don't allow yourself any little error or… emotion. All your existence is built around you being perfect and having no weakness at all. Well now you know it Kanda, you have had _proof_ of your humanity and you can't deal with it!"

Kanda looks back at him eyes wide. Allen kind of regrets having been harsh to him so he is not surprised to see Kanda standing up, he would not blame him if he were to go away slamming the door.

But that's what the _usual_ Kanda would have done. _This_ Kanda just moves to the window, leaning on the wall and looking outside says:

"Deal with it, you say. How?" And he turns to stare at Allen: "How do I go back to trust myself? Without doubting everything I think?"

That's the difficult question.

Allen stands up too and reaches Kanda, leaning on the wall on the other side of the window. He thinks a bit before answering, he knows what Kanda wants, why he has gone to talk to him, but he can't give him that. He can't give him a cure for having realised he too can make mistakes. And he knows he's risking Kanda's distrust and despise (not to talk about having Mugen's tip pointed at his throat) but if he wants to help him, he must say it:

"You don't go back. You go forward."

Oh yes, Kanda's eyes are starting to slit and glare. He's not satisfied, and rather annoyed by the little word play. He wants a clear answer, no games, and he makes it clear to Allen by stabbing him with his eyes. So Allen hurries to explain:

"I mean… you can't go back to the way you were, oblivious of the possibility that you too can make mistakes. That was a blessed way of being, but a very dangerous one. You believe you were strong before? Ignoring one's weaknesses is a weakness in itself!"

Blank stare from Kanda. He's not as sharp as his blade, is he?

"Ok… Listen… what do you do when you find you have an open spot in your stance when you swordfight? You try to forget about it? Or you are glad you are aware of it so you can improve yourself?"

"I don't have openings."

Allen fights the urge to punch Kanda in the face.

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. You are the best swordsman I've ever known, and you know it, so think about your reaction if you were to find a tiny weak spot. You'd be disappointed yes, but you'd fucking train your ass off to make it disappear! Or not?"

"Yeah… I guess."

"Now think about your spirit. You are the first one to tell me that a fighter has two pillars: his body and his spirit. You exercise to train your body and you'd train yourself harder if you were to find a weakness in your body. And you meditate to train your spirit right? Now, Kanda, think that you have found a weakness in your spirit. What do you want to do? Ignore it? Or overcome it? Do you want to go back to the way you were? Or you want to overcome this weakness and grow a stronger spirit?"

Kanda remains silent.

"I know it's difficult. I know it's tempting to go back to the way you've been for so long. But that's not what a truly strong person does, is it? Strong people go forward. They accept their problems and overcome them."

"I… don't know how to overcome a weakness in my spirit."

"Kanda… You're thinking about it too much. You don't have to go crazy over it, since you know what the problem is then you just need to give time to your mind to process it and sort it out. I'm sure you'll be ready to do your job when you'll have to."

"There's nothing I can do? Just wait?" Kanda almost whimpers.

"Well, you can find something else crazier to think about, something more annoying that will stop your mind from looping on the problem!" Allen smiles teasingly, and Kanda smiles very wearily back and he turns to stares out of the window. He's exhausted. He doesn't react to Allen teasing him and the British boy glances at him worried. He thinks it's best to stop talking about the problem for now, after all, what Kanda needs mostly is time to accept his new self. And moreover, it's lunch-time already, they've spent hours talking.

"Hey… Kanda. You hungry?"

"Yeah… I'm starving actually… It feels like I've been training all morning."

They look at each-other, the tension of the serious talk leaving them, and Allen chuckles…

"What's so funny Moyashi?"

"You… are not used to think this much usually, are you?"

Kanda punches him.

But it is a soft punch on the shoulder, he's not really angry, nevertheless Allen holds onto his elbow not to loose the balance and just like that he is pulled into Kanda's hug. He's quite surprised, but he for sure isn't going to complain!

"Thanks… Moyashi." Kanda's whisper in his ear makes him feel lightheaded but he tries not to show it and with a shaky voice murmurs:

"My name… is Allen, Kanda."

"Right… But you'll always be a little beansprout to me… Mo…ya…shi."

Kanda is teasing him now, a little payback for having made fun of his intelligence. He's enjoying it, for weeks now he has never been in the mood for teasing Allen and it feels good to be a little livelier now. He's truly grateful to him and a bit surprised that their hateful relationship has changed this much in such a short time. He doesn't regret having hugged the boy on instinct either, because he can again savour the contact with another being that he has just recently discovered thanks to Allen.

And he likes it. He's surprised by the feeling, but it is quite an addictive one, and he feels a wave of little cramps reaching up from his groin to his throat. He pulls Allen in a tighter hug pressing his body flat on the boy's.

Instead poor Allen feels like a hand is painfully squishing his stomach:

"_God he's so close… Every word of his sends shivers down my spine."_

And before he can regain his breath and say anything, Kanda grins so close to his ear that he can feel the "eh" breathed out by smiling brushing his neck. His mind goes blank for the sensation.

Kanda moves back, with the grin of a devil who's teasing a poor child. He's slightly blushed, for to his surprise he was enjoying the hug a _little_ too much, so to hide it he immediately gives his back to Allen and walking to the door says:

"A-hem. We'll finish this later. Let's go now, I bet you're hungrier than me."

Allen blinks twice and steps forward at the sudden movement of Kanda, and mentally sighs:

"_Actually… I think I just lost my appetite…"_

* * *

**Oh Lord, Kanda that breathes "Mo...ya...shi" with such a teasing tone ****in his ear****... I would have fainted right there!**

**You don't have to wait much longer for a first _something _but don't expect it to go smoothly... Kanda is still Kanda!**

**Anyway, big news for you. I'm almost done with writing this story, it's going to be around 20 chaps (I've written the 18th yesterday)... and it will have two big (I mean BIG) sex scenes... so brace yourself! You'll have to wait a bit for those though, Kanda's slow, he needs time to understand and then accept things -chuckle-**


	10. Chapter 10

EDIT: Nothing major, just some grammar mistakes I've noticed reading it out loud. Next chap coming tomorrow /EDIT

**Thanks again for your support :) I want to answer to those of you who wished for all the remaining chaps to be submitted together: I won't do it for two reasons: one is because now that I'm writing the end this gives me time to go back to a previeous chapter to change something if I need to, and second because people would not comment on all of them and I wouldn't know about negative things (Plus I'm addicted to reviews).**

**I'm submitting a chap every two days though... it's not that long to wait is it? **

**Anyway, not keeping you here longer... since you finally get to have some ;)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"_Just one day. Just one day since Allen has seen me sick in the toilets. And look at me now… Last night I was ready to punch him unconscious for just being in the same room as me, and what have I done now?_

_I've hugged him._

_And I enjoyed it._

_It's the first time I get this close to another human being and I can't seem to get enough of it now. Tch… years of discipline to control my desires and emotions and now I can't stop wincing at the feeling I get when I hug him?_

_It's like when I tasted soba for the first time… I kept wanting more, to try the heavenly taste again and again, and now I only eat that._

_Oh fuck… does this mean… I'll__ get obsessed with Moyashi too?!"_

Kanda tries to put some order in his heart. It is true that Allen has managed to snick past Kanda's hate in less than 24 hours, but it isn't so strange if we think about what Kanda has felt lately. Allen has saved him from desperation, or at least he is doing so right now. He has plunged deep into Kanda's black world and with a silent fresh hand has managed to make him feel less alone, less hopeless, less confused. He has said the right words, hitting deep inside Kanda, starting to easily making order in his storming mind and heart. The relief and hope Kanda is feeling now is entirely due to him.

And Kanda's body and mind are holding onto the British boy like a sailor to a floating buoy amid gigantic waves. Moreover Allen is the first person Kanda has ever been this close physically too… and the discovery of such pleasures is becoming addictive. He wants more, more of Allen's words, more of Allen's hugs, more of Allen's… more of Allen.

And he blinks twice, stopping eating his soba for a second at this thought, realising he's been looking straight into Allen's eyes for the past five minutes.

.

And Allen… well he's got his own troubles at the moment.

"_I don't think I can keep this up. Every time he accidentally brushes against me my heart jumps into my throat and I stop breathing for a moment. It's painful and… confusing._

_Fuck I'm lost in Kanda's eyes again. Stop this!_

_This is too sudden… it's like I've been hit point blank by Cupid's arrow, is it even possible?_

_I know, I know I've always had mixed feelings towards Kanda. I hated the way he treated me, but still I couldn't bring myself to stop noticing every little change in his behaviour, or to stop peeking at his face every time he wouldn't notice. Heck, I even peek into the training room sometimes! I kept telling myself that I just loved to see how fluid his movements are… but maybe this is the truth… and just one hug has made it blow up in my mind like a bomb._

_Tch… I told him he can't go back to the way he was… well what about me? Can I go back to before the bomb exploded?_

_Do I even want to?"_

.

What a happy lunch!

People in the cafeteria feel awkward. Kanda and Allen are eating at the same table, one in front of the other, and they are not trying to kill each other. They are looking straight in the other's face, but they are so deep in thought it's like they don't even realise the other is there.

So everyone hopes they can keep thinking, and move very very silently not to interrupt their trance.

When Kanda finishes his lunch everyone hopes he will stand up and walk away peacefully, but instead he leans back on his chair, arms crossed and a slight frown on his face, staring at Allen eating. It's like he's… waiting?

Holy cow, the world is turning upside-down!

And in fact, as soon as Allen is done eating Kanda stands up walking a few steps, then glances at the boy over his shoulder and waits for him to catch up. They walk out of the room together, still silent, followed by the very confused looks of the people there.

They walk back to Allen's room without exchanging a word. They look calm on the outside, but both boys have raging emotions inside, and the closer they get to Allen's room, the more eager and nervous they both feel. Once they reach the room Allen opens the door and lets Kanda in, but as soon as the Japanese disappears inside a finder appears at the end of the corridor calling Allen and telling him Komui wants to talk to him as soon as possible.

He frowns for the only thing he wanted to do now was getting in there and… and… he blushes at the thought.

He looks inside the room, at Kanda watching him standing in the middle of it with his arms crossed. He sighs, trying to mutter an excuse but the Japanese seems to surrender and says: "Go."

He nods closing the door and runs to Komui. He won't make the meeting last more than necessary!

.

He walks into Komui's office and stands in front of the desk, slightly panting, clearly in a hurry.

"Why don't you sit down Allen?"

"Kan-… Can I stand?" _What the hell were you saying? Kanda is waiting for me?! Fuck, be careful!_

"Well, yeah, of course. Anyway, I called you here because of a mission…"

"Yeah, the folder?"

"Uhm… here… don't you want to talk about it?"

"Well, is there anything in particular I need to know? Or I can just read about it on my way to… on my way to…" He opens the folder on the table trying to catch the name of a city amidst the lines.  
"Rome. On your way to Rome."

"Yeah, on my way to Rome."

"Well, I guess you could read it. It's not that difficult."

"Ok! Thanks!"

Allen swipes the folder from Komui's table and heads straight for the door.

"Allen-kun!"

"Yes, Komui-san?"

"Is everything ok? You… you're in such a hurry!"

"Oh yeah, everything fine! Bye bye."

And he speeds out before Komui can think of anything else to say.

.

In the meanwhile Kanda is alone in Allen's room. He hasn't slept well last night so he lies down on Allen's bed, with his eyes quickly closing. The last thought that passes through his mind is:_ "This pillow… smells of jasmine."_

.

It has been twenty minutes since he has left Kanda in his room and while he's speeding through the corridors his only thought is _"Let him still be there, oh God, let him still be there!"_

He fears that if they leave for their missions now Kanda will forget everything and turn back the hateful boy he was. He stops in front of his room panting, trying to calm down before opening the door, and when he enters the room his heart skips a beat. Kanda is sleeping curled up in his bed, one hand resting on his pillow and some hair covering his eyes.

Allen closes the door and leans on it, too scared and in awe to do anything. He'd like to stay like that forever but he also wants to get close to him. He slowly walks to his bed and not to wake Kanda up he kneels down on the floor next to his face. He swallows hard and his heart crazily beating inside his ears makes him feel a bit dizzy.

Slowly and very gently he moves the black bangs away from Kanda's face and jumps back when the boy moves his chin upwards in reaction to his touch. He relaxes when he understands Kanda still sleeps and stares at his beautiful face trying to burn the image of his features permanently in his mind. The sharp line of his jaw and his smooth skin take Allen's breath away. And he takes his time gazing at Kanda's oriental eyes, so relaxed in his sleep that his eyebrows have lost their almost perennial frown.

"_He's… so… handsome."_

It feels like time stops as he's slowly leaning down on Kanda's face to softly kiss his lips. He had wanted the kiss to be caste and quick, but instead he remains there a bit longer, lightly kissing those sweet lips again and again. And while Kanda's legs slowly stretch, those lips start kissing back and he finds himself gently licking them with the tip of his tongue until they too open up slightly and he can deepen the kiss. His tongue is rubbing Kanda's parted lips, the warmth and wetness of the kiss quickly making him dare more, and he leans with a hand on the bed hoping this moment would never end.

Then Kanda slowly surfaces from sleep, feeling something warm, soft and wet against his mouth. It takes him a moment to understand what's going on but the feeling the kiss is giving him is so new and unexpectedly arousing he finds himself kissing Allen back pushing his mouth against his and letting Allen's tongue in.

The kiss becomes deeper when Kanda joins in and Allen understands he's not retreating, lips locking together, and they start licking at each-other's tongue with gentle strokes. Kanda shifts under Allen to turn his face upwards and Allen moves forward hovering over Kanda's chest supporting himself with the hand next to the boy's head.

They keep kissing each other, softly moaning, exploring and savouring each other's mouths with eyes closed, feeling burning cramps in their stomach and groin. Their kiss becomes sloppy, moans more frantic, wet lips parting and closing rhythmically sucking lightly on the other's tongue until they slow it down and finally break it panting.

Allen hasn't moved yet, still hovering over Kanda's face, their mouths so close their lips touch with every breath they take. Their hearts are pounding, their bodies are hard and pulsing, and their tongues are savouring the new taste as they very slowly open their eyes and look at each other. Allen moves back to sit on his heels, and at first Kanda only follows him with his eyes but then he props himself up on one elbow and brings his face in front of Allen's, eyes fixed on his.

They look at each other in silence for some moments while their panting slows down and fear starts kicking into Allen. Kanda's expression is undecipherable, and although Allen is _sure_ Kanda was enjoying the kiss, since he was even teasing his lower lip with the tip of his tongue, it is only when the Japanese moves to stand up without having said a word that he understands he's made a big mistake.

Kanda walks to the door, silent, stops with a hand on the doorknob for a second, then walks out without turning back. If he had turned back he would have seen Allen was paralysed on his heels, staring with wide eyes at the now empty space in front of his eyes, where Kanda's face had just been.

* * *

**Heartbroken Allen :( But he should have expected Kanda to react cold... Still, the kiss was hot right? ;)**


	11. Chapter 11

**The God(s) you are praying to for me to update sooner have done their job. Since I'll be going on holiday on the 2nd of September I would not be able to submit any more chaps for 15 days, and I don't like to leave my readers waiting too long... so, I've decided, I will submit one chap every day starting today, so hopefully you can read the complete story before I leave. Happy now? :D**

An OC finder, nothing major, just needed an arabic one and couldn't remember if any of the manga/anime finders speak the language.

**ENjoy!**

* * *

Kanda stands still outside Allen's room, he's shocked.

Shocked that Allen has dared to kiss him while he was sleeping, shocked that he has kissed him back, shocked that he wanted more, shocked that his body has reacted so passionately to the pleasure that his trousers are now painfully rubbing against his hard member.

It's the first time he has ever felt emotions of this intensity and he's scared because he was almost loosing his control. He doesn't know what he was going to do, but he could feel his self control slip away and his body taking over his mind, so he has reacted to the fear of letting go in the only way he could imagine: retreat.

And so he does that. He quickly walks to his room, grabs his rucksack and decides it is best to leave early, because he doesn't want to wait four hours in his room thinking about what just happened… no… it's that he doesn't know how to face the Moyashi again.

So he leaves for Morocco, four hours earlier than his scheduled departure, avoiding anybody he knows, without even saying goodbye.

--

Allen remains iced to the floor, unwanted tears blurring his vision. He had just reached the 7th heaven, and then he's fallen down to the 9th ring of hell. He stops breathing, and his heartbeats are so painful he hopes to stop living altogether.

"_Oh God… he hates me now."_

--

A few hours later Kanda has already reached the station and explored it's surroundings several times. He's trying not to think, busying himself with doing something, and the last thing he's left with is sitting in the waiting hall trying to sleep away the remaining hour he needs to wait.

As soon as he closes his eyes he sees Allen's flushed face, his parted lips shining wet from the kiss, and an arousing moan resounds in his ears. He jumps on his seat, fully awake, with too many emotions inside to be ok.

"_Will I ever be able to sleep again at all without seeing his damn face?"_

Denying that one of the reasons he's seeing Allen's face, a part from the obvious, is that he feels guilty for having left in such a cold way.

So he picks the folder up and concentrates on the mission.

"_It's going to be a long long journey to Morocco… and I'm going to go insane thinking about Allen if I don't find something to do."_

--

That night Allen is in France, depressed in his train compartment headed to Paris, while Kanda is sailing past Bretagne eyes lost on the dark horizon, hoping for something to happen that would make him stop thinking about the British boy.

But nothing happens, not for the length of his journey by sea, and the result is that Kanda simply starts hating Allen's face more and more every time it pops up in his mind. It reminds him of his weakness, of his lack of control over physical pleasure, of his mean behaviour when he left the boy, of his current inability of having control over his own mind and heart.

He sometimes thinks about what Allen had told him _before_ kissing him and although it makes sense to think that he needs to overcome his weakness by acting without being paralysed by the fear of making a mistake, he also scoffs at this because he believes it is easier said than done. This line of thought though is usually interrupted by the memories of Allen's kiss and although he should be grateful because as predicted by Allen this thought distracts him from his fear, he gets furious at being at the mercy of Allen.

So with the resolution of hating the other boy to death for the rest of his life he steps in Morocco, greeted by the hottest sand wind he has ever seen and a blindingly bright sun that threatens to melt him down in his uniform.

"_Where the hell is the finder?"_

The port is busy and noisy, people running everywhere, shouting in the unknown language and surrounding him as soon as they see he's a foreigner, trying to sell one million and fifty-two different things to him, pushing, pulling, blocking his path and, oh god, touching him.

It's only the arrival of his finder that shouts something in Arabic that saves all of those salesmen from being sliced by Mugen. Kanda is fuming.

"Where the hell have you been?!"

"Sorry mister Kanda, there's so many people here I had a hard time finding you. My name is Sofian and I'll be your guide."

"Sofian, a girl name?"

"No, mister Kanda. Sofian is a male name, it means Devoted."

"Oh… it suits your job."

"Yeah, I guess. So, let's go to your pension, I had some clothes brought there for you."

"Clothes?"

"Yes, mister Kanda. You cannot travel in the desert with the Order's uniform. It might be good for the cold nights, but it doesn't protect you from the day heat."

"Che."

Kanda feels he hates this mission already.

Once they get to the pension Sofian shows him to his room and tells him he'll wait downstairs for him to get changed.

He refuses to wear those clothes, he likes his uniform and it takes him quite a long time grumbling and cursing to wear them. In the end he must admit it feels indeed fresher to wear those baggy linen trousers and those soft cloth boots. He's keeping his shirt but he's replacing his coat with the heavy cloth mantel, although he doesn't understand how _that_ will help him fight the heat. But the cotton… headdress… no, no way he's going to put a _veil_ on his head! He throws it on his bed and reaches Sofian in the pension dining room.

He's starving and he's glad to see most of the meal is composed of white rice, to which he adds a spicy rabbit stew. It doesn't taste bad, only… it's not soba. And he's even happier to notice that most people is drinking mint tea.

"_I can survive here then. They've got the basics right."_

And by basics he of course means the basics of _his_ culinary needs.

After dinner, they relax themselves on some very comfortable cushions with a glass narghile in between, and while talking about life in Morocco Sofian teaches Kanda how to smoke the water pipe. Kanda only accepts because he doesn't want to offend his finder's culture, but although he doesn't really appreciate smoking he must admit it is quite relaxing to spend a few hours like this.

Sofian explains him they are going to join a nomadic family that travels across the desert and who is said to have met the hermit three times. This is not a guarantee that he will appear again, but it is crazy to want to travel on their own in the desert. They wouldn't last a week.

The Berber family is composed of 15 members, who travel with camels and dromedaries following the routes that will bring them close to the oasis and water sources in the desert. They bring everything with them, from animals (mostly goats, donkeys and a few chickens) to their tents, carpets, tools and food supplies.

Kanda remembers about what Komui had said, that he was going to deal with one person only, and thinks he will punch him in the face when he'll get back. Kids, camels and goats? Hell, Kanda will have a hard time.

He goes back to his room, and for the first night since he has left England he falls asleep without thinking about Allen.

* * *

**All right, Kanda's mission in Morocco begins. Next chap is... deathly.**


	12. Chapter 12

**I'm ready to read all your flames... but please be gentle... I bruise easily, and moreover what happens here was NOT easy to write, so maybe instead of saying something like "this is bull--" try and help me make it better :p**

**Anyway, go on and read, but please stop by at the end and read all of my notes. thank you**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

It's been a month now Kanda is travelling with the Berber family and he has learned to appreciate the veiling turban they use, the indigo _tagelmust_, that covers his head and neck from the burning sun and at the same time prevents him from breathing sand by veiling his nose and mouth. He has also learnt to ride both camels and dromedaries and to build the complex Berber tents made of big dark canvasses that shift and bend under the strong winds but never tear. He enjoys the soft carpets and cushions that cover the sand inside the tents and create a comfortable atmosphere, fresh during the day and warm during the night. He feels at peace when he takes a lone walk on the sand dunes, under the unbelievably starry night sky, and he is always amazed by the sudden explosion of life and colours every time they enter an oasis.

Still, he feels he's just wasting his time.

True, he has fought against some level ones and a couple of level twos, overcoming his fears exactly how Allen had predicted, without even noticing them, but there is no sign of the hermit during their travels and no news in any of the oasis. He starts to believe that he won't see him since he apparently only appears to thirsty people and the tribe never ever runs out of water. So one night that the family is sleeping in an oasis he decides to leave them and go on an _almost_-suicidal journey.

He packs his stuff but then stops before leaving the tent:

"_Should I bring any water or not? How the hell does this hermit-thing works: does he appear if I'm dying of __dehydration even if I am beside a full well or he only appears if I'm completely out of any drop of water?_

_Tch… _if_ he appears at all._

_This thing is reckless. I could really die out there waiting for a fucking hermit that might not even exist if I don't bring with me any water at all! But then again, if he isn't fooled by a not-really-dying person I might stay in this desert for ever._

_What should I do?"_

A sudden memory makes him plunge back to more than a month before:

**.Y****ou'll come up with just the right course of action.**

"_Oh really? What now, genius?"_

_**.Don't let your fear decide in your place.**_

"_He knows me better than myself then, uh?"_

So he silently leaves the tent, careful not to wake Sofian up and starts walking in the cold night, heavy stars lighting his path in the eerie desert, alone. He hasn't brought any water with him, not giving in to fear, his mind looping on Allen's words:

**.Y****ou always do what you need to do.**

--

He has kept walking straight east all night long, and as the sun rises blinding him he keeps walking, waiting to be thirsty and exhausted before sitting down.

He plans on sitting there on a carpet, under an umbrella until… until he _nearly_ dies of dehydration.

"_It's going to be __a difficult task, sitting here… waiting to die."_

So his long, last day begins.

He might look like a mirage, a crazy man sitting alone in the middle of nothing, with nothing more than an umbrella and a carpet with him.

Sizzling pure white sand surrounds him, the shadow of his umbrella the only thing that moves following the path of the sun in the sky. He starts sweating as soon as the sun is up, drops trailing down his face to wet his clothes. He sits still, meditating to dethatch his mind from the needs his body. And in fact, only his discipline comes in help during those hours when the first symptoms appear: extreme thirst, acute heat, splitting headache, nauseous dizziness.

But as time passes he starts feeling disoriented, and having cramps in his arms and legs due to the lack of water in his muscles. The pain grows in intensity, his tongue being so dry he can't open his mouth anymore. His eyes are dry too, they sting every time he tries to look around himself so he stops blinking altogether, keeping them shut. His breathing becomes hoarse and his heartbeat accelerates, he hallucinates about Akumas appearing from the sands, and being surrounded by walls of flames. His will is strong enough to drag him out of the initial hallucinations but he fears he won't be able to do so again as time passes. He also begins to doubt his decision, and start fearing he might reach the point of no return and die a pathetic death.

In a few hours the sun reaches his zenit, he has no water left in his body for perspiration and his temperature rises because his body can't deal with the heat anymore. So he understands he can't walk back to the oasis anymore as he would die before reaching it and he fights the terrifying thought that he's done for and that no hermit will come save him. He _must_ believe in the hermit now. He must carry on with his mission now, he doesn't have any choice left anyway, so he must believe. In the hermit. In himself.

But he knows it. He knows he's going to die and he's petrified, he's never been this close to death and it's a fucking painful death too. He regrets not having warned Sofian of his decision, and prays _anyone_ would find him but his delirious mind unreasonably hangs onto his pride and hysterically warns him not to show anyone his current pathetic, idiotic state, not to trust anyone with his life in a moment of such weakness…

But that's not the truth, no, because one person exists. There is one person he would trust in this situation. Only one person who would know exactly what to do and in the right way, only one person he would allow to save him. If he had water left in his body he would cry of desperation but he painfully cracks his lips open, blood dripping from the tore skin and with his last conscious thought he pleads:

"A-llen…"

And Allen comes to hug him, a transparent Allen, a sweet smile soothing his fear and fresh hands on his burning cheeks, he leans over Kanda and kisses him deeply. And with this hallucination, after hours without drinking, he faints with convulsions shaking his body, making incoherent sounds.

* * *

**So yeah, quite a challenging chapter, it's not easy to describe someone's death by dehydration. So I hope it looks credible. If it doesn't, again, help me make it better, don't just say it sucks. :p**

**Now now, don't kill me. I know you all love Kanda as much as I do, but if you kill me you'll never know what's going to happen in the next chap... -devilish grin-  
**

**Why was this needed you say? Because it is of course a very difficult decision the one Kanda makes, he knows he might risk his life and he's scared. But it is thanks to Allen's words that he is able to overcome his doubts and do the only thing he has to do, instead of being paralysed by fear and put the mission in jeopardy. He's found new faith in himself, of course, thanks to Allen. Do you understand now where this part is going? :)**

**Finally. I've done my research, nothing I said is invented: 1) The tagelmust exists, just search for the word in wikipedia and you'll get a very sexy man wearing it (Kanda would look gorgeous in that... only his breath-taking eyes showing O.O). 2) The berber tent really works like that, it's a genial creation. 3) I've researched the phases a man goes through when dehydration kicks in, and until death, those are really the symptoms that he gets. So yeah, I tried to keep it real.**

Let me know your opinion, but keep the insults down :p


	13. Chapter 13

**So, are you scared I would let my beloved Kanda die? Read on :)**

Enjoy!

* * *

"I don't understand what he was thinking. He just left without telling anyone, without any water at all! Really, I don't know why he would do anything as reckless as this!"

"You said you were looking for me?"

"Yeah… we were…"

"Well then, you have your answer."

"What? He did this to find you?"

"Well… to _be found_ by me."

"Oh, God. He is just… insane!"

"Insane, but still the bravest man I ever met."

"Well even if you are insanely brave you are still insane!"

"Shh now… let him rest."

"Please, could you wait until he wakes up?"

"I can't. But I have given permission to the head of the tribe to tell him my story."

"I'm afraid this won't be enough for mister Kanda…"

Sofian sighs and smokes a puff of apple scented tobacco from his water pipe..._ "No, Kanda won't like it at all."_

.

Three days go by before Kanda wakes up. He's alive and very confused. He doesn't remember much of the day he was dying, only excruciating pain and desperation, together with some crazy images of sand monsters and of a misty Allen kissing him.

He lays in the tent he has woken up in, silently savouring the pleasure of being alive and of feeling no pain at all. He asks himself how he has managed to survive, and just then he realises he must have succeeded in being saved by the hermit. He grins with pride, satisfaction and a hint of relief and slowly sits up on the bed.

"_I did it! He must have saved me! I'm fucking alive and I completed the first part of the mission! I want to talk to him, now."_

A small girl enters the tent and starts screaming as soon as she sees him, calling for his father and running out.

"_Tch... damn kid, what's her problem?"_ "Hey! Come back and bring me food!"

The head of the tribe soon walks in, staring at Kanda with wide eyes:  
"You're already awake?!"

"Uh?"

"It just took you three days to recover from the severe dehydration state he found you in?!"

"Oh… yeah… I recover quite quickly. Where is he? I want to talk to him."

"He's gone… are you sure you are ok? Maybe you should lay down."

"Gone? Why the hell is he gone??"

"He can't stay in his travelling form for long after he saves someone… Don't you feel any pain? Are you thirsty?"

"Would you stop asking about my health? I'm fucking fine! Now tell me why I've almost died to find that fucking hermit and he goes away before I even regain consciousness!" Furious Kanda, really.

"All right, he gave me permission to tell you his story, but you'll need to drink some water and have some food while I talk, otherwise I'll have to refuse to tell you."

"Give me the fucking food and water then." _"I already wanted food anyway…"_

The head of the tribe sits down on a cushion next to Kanda's bed and starts explaining the hermit's story:

"He's called Nasir, the Helper, nobody knows exactly how old he is and the only persons that have seen him are the heads of the tribes, who inherit his story and the ritual to call him in case of need when they are appointed as heads. He has allowed me to tell you everything because…"

"Wait. You mean you knew this stuff all along and you still didn't answer to my questions?"

"I couldn't tell you, I didn't have his permission yet."

"You fucking idiot, I almost died because of you!"

"I'm sorry, but how could I think you would try doing that?! And moreover he gave me the permission only because he has seen how devoted you are, and what length you could go just to meet him. So, do you want to hear the story or not?"

"Tch… of course."

"Ok… Nasir has the power of leaving his body and of travelling using water as a receptacle for his spirit. He is able to make a vapour cloud out of the water in the air and soil, and make it take his human form or spread it in the wind to travel fast. He has shaved his head and made short braids out of his hair that he has entrusted to each tribe's head as a means to communicate with him.

There's a ritual we have to follow to call him to where we are, and we can only do it in case someone is dying.

As soon as Sofian told me you had disappeared without your water flasks I understood what you were trying to do and I performed the ritual to call him here."

"What ritual?"

"Can't tell you the details, but basically we turn his hair into water and he… well… he is attracted to it to reunite his body. Anyway, he arrived in just two hours and spread across the sky as a thin cloud until he spotted you. He then collected enough water from the sky to save you, making a small mist cloud with which he entered your body through your mouth and replenished your body's cells with all the water they needed."

"A mist cloud through my mouth?" _"Allen..."_

"Yeah, that's the fastest way to bring all the water inside your tissues."

"I remember something like this…"

"Uhm… did you recognise a face?"

"Uh? How…?"

"He told me that sometimes the person he's helping mutters someone's name when he appears in front of them. It's as if their last thought goes to their loved one before dying. Did you see your lover too?"

"I… He's not my lover!"

"Oh, if you say so. Anyway, this is all he has allowed me to tell you."

"Did he bring me here?"

"Oh, no. He's too tired after entering someone's body. If the person he saves is not severely dehydrated then he doesn't need to force water back into his cells and can carry him back to the camp, but if he performs an exhausting task as he did to you he can only come back here and guide me back to you."

"So how is this such a mystery?"

"Well, no one is allowed to see him or talk to him. Only I know all of this… and you… and Sofian too now."

"How do I contact him?"

"You can't."

"I need to. My mission now is to bring him back to England."

"You can't. He won't allow this."

"I know ways to force you to call him here."

"You'd only have his spirit form anyway, he will never guide you to his body."

"Tch... I need a phone."

"No phones until next stop."

"When will it be?"

"Two weeks."

"Fuck."

"Kanda… I don't know why you have orders to bring him away, but think that his power has been saving hundreds of people for at least 60 years. Don't take him away from us."

"He will save more people once he will come with us and use his abilities to kill Akuma."

"He won't leave us. And you can't force him. Nobody knows where he physically lives."

"Tch… I need that fucking phone. Let's move out of this oasis already."

* * *

**Nasir sure knows how to keep his butt safe :D**

**So, Kanda is alive and well... quite furious but well. Next chap he will be even more furious though... all Allen's fault :p**


	14. Chapter 14

First of all an announcement: **found Kanda's ototo**. I swear it's true. He is the protagonist of the anime Macross Frontier. You MUST see it. It may not be the anime story that you prefer (galaxy battles and stuff) but I swear Kanda's ototo in a pilot uniform will make it ALL worth. :D Go and see the episodes on veoh-dot-com and then tell me if I'm not right, he IS Kanda's little brother!! Damn I'm drooling...

.swipes drool.

Now, on with the story. **Enjoy!**

* * *

Kanda spends the two weeks travelling with an angry look on his face. He is _not_ happy.

He has risked his life for that fucking hermit and all along he had someone next to him who could tell him what he needed to know!

And that is, that there's no way to physically find the hermit and that he will never let them find him in the first place since they want to bring him away from his people.

He needs to talk to Komui. He has completed only half of his mission, but he doesn't feel guilty, he has done the impossible to complete it, but this thing is just beyond his reach. He wants to go home.  
He wants to eat soba, see the rain, see trees and vegetation different than palm trees, sycamores and succulent plants. And he wants to sleep in his fucking walled room.

Not that he doesn't like Berber life, but what's enough is enough. He's done what he has come here for (well, partly) and he wants to go back. He feels a certain urge to go home too. A feeling in his guts that makes him grit his teeth and clench his fists.

He wants to punch the life out of a certain Moyashi.

That's why.

.

Yeah, so that's why as soon as he gets to the small town he switches his golem on and calls his Supervisor.

"Kanda! How are you?"

"-grunt- I contacted the hermit."

"Oh well done! So, is it really innocence?"

"I'm quite sure he has a piece of innocence, yes."

"That's great! So, when are you bringing him home?"

"I can't do that. He travels in spirit across the desert and will not let anyone know where his body is. Apparently he wants to keep saving people here in the desert."

"Oh, that's a problem then."

"The only way to find him is have him tell you, but he disappeared as soon as my finder told him we wanted to bring him with us, and I doubt he can be summoned again. The only contact with him I had is now useless and I can't travel aimlessly in the desert for ever."

Some moments go by in which Komui thinks about the situation, and then he gives Kanda the best answer the boy could ever have: "Ok Kanda, come back home. We'll figure something out. You've done a good job."

"Good, see you."

Not that he will show his happiness though!

So Kanda's journey back home can finally start. He has been away more than three months, and although he hasn't completed his mission he is calm, the thought of having met something beyond his reach not really that disturbing. He hasn't made any mistake, so why should he feel bad? He has even taken the risk of dying just to be found by the hermit, and he is proud he has faced his fear and still went on with his plan. He remembers Allen's words have convinced him to go, and this makes him even angrier with the boy.

"_I hate him. Why the hell am I so influenced by him? And God, hallucinating about his face in my last moment is just great, he can't leave me alone even while I'm dying! Lover's face my ass!"_

He knows Allen's words are what has given him back his self confidence but he doesn't like to be in debt with someone, he doesn't like people helping him out… and most of all he doesn't like being so obsessed with Allen!

"_Allen's words, Allen's face, Allen's scent…wait… Allen's scent?"_

He snaps out of his angry thoughts because he's smelling something… he's smelling Allen? His stomach contracts at the thought of seeing Allen again. He starts slowly walking around the white washed house with big eyes, anger suddenly replaced by surprise and desire.

"_Why the hell am I so eager to see him anyway?"_

He's tiptoeing now, his breath held not to make any sound louder than any noise Allen could make, his ears trying to capture any little one that could give away Allen's position.

He hears muffled steps, and a faint giggle, and the hair on his neck sticks out immediately.

"_Is he making fun of me? Where the hell is he?"_

He walks through the white rooms, filled with carpets and cushions, low tables of dark wood with silver cups and glass bottles, colourful metal and glass lamps hanging low from the ceilings, shining in the bright rays of light coming through the narrow windows.

He steps through narrow passages, opening the wooden doors without making a sound. He's like a cat silently hunting for his prey, except his heart is pulsing madly in his ears with anticipation and his mouth is dry for the excitement.

He walks out on an internal square courtyard, circled by four porches of rounded white arches, red bricks on the floors. The air is warm, but not hot, and the scent of Allen's skin filling the air is intoxicating. He swallows hard, trying to calm down his racing heart and follows the sound of steps and giggles around the porches, catching a glimpse of movement that makes him rush to turn the corner with the certainty to see Allen's smiling eyes and lips waiting for him.

"_Allen?... Allen!"_

But what he sees just makes him stop with a sudden lurch and drop his mouth slightly open.

A girl, with brown skin and black hair, is sitting on a bench, happily making a crown out of the tiny small flowers she is picking from the big plant climbing around one of the columns.

She screams and runs away when Kanda appears with a bewildered face running in front of her and he doesn't even flinch, he's used to girls running away shouting.

"_A damn… jasmine… plant…_

_Holy shit what the hell am I doing?! Running like a stupid girl just because I smell the fucking Moyashi's soap scent? Am I really that much of an idiot? I don't even want to see him that badly!_

_N-no, I don't want to see him… at all!"_

Disappointment makes his throat ache with the humiliation for having shown that much of interest, and he fiercely denies he _was_ in fact eager to see Allen. He just can't believe how his body _and_ mind reacted to the tiniest possibility that Allen might have been there, against all rational arguments as to why Allen _couldn't_ possibly be in Africa.

He hates how strong Allen's influence is on him, he doesn't want to have any bonds, because bonds are weaknesses, but still he feels he won't be able to live without constantly thinking about the boy anymore. He has turned him into someone who takes into consideration his advice, who finds strength in his words, and ultimately… who cares about him, missing him so much he hallucinates about him and is fooled by a plant's scent.

These thoughts make him even more eager to go home now, because he just can't wait to punch Allen straight on the nose for what he has done to him.

Furiously howling he leaves the porch and stop only to grab his rucksack before heading straight for the station.

_"Wait for me Moyashi. Don't die on your fucking mission. Not before I. KILL. YOU."_

* * *

**See? Aaaall Allen's fault ;D Anyway furious Kanda is damn scary O.O**

And I've got a second announcement to make, which I hope will make you happy too.

**I'm writing my second fic right now, a LaviKanda. **But since I'm going to be away the first two weeks of September I'm not going to submit it until I come back.** Will you wait for me?** I'm not sure where it is going to go, but it looks promising :)

See you tomorrow with another **two chaps**. Two, yes, you'll understand why.


	15. Chapter 15

**Please, read the AN at the end.**

Enjoy!

* * *

His journey back home is faster, by train through Spain and France and then by ship, crossing the channel. He is not worried about going through Spain again, he just wants to get home quickly.

He needs to get this thing with Allen done as soon as possible. He needs to get rid of him, tell him to forget about everything, tell him he doesn't need his help and that he is not attracted by him.

The closer he gets to England the more nervous he becomes, and his patience starts slipping away. He spends all his free time exercising and meditating but any time he stops his mind travels to Allen and he starts twitching and fuming. He doesn't even sleep anymore after leaving France because he dreams of Allen almost every night and all too often he wakes up flushed and aroused. And he hates it.

By the time he is in sight of the tower all he can think about is Allen and his hate for him rages inside him so much he can't hide his fury anymore. He reaches the tower early in the morning but he can't go to Komui without shouting all of his anger at Allen first. He is sure he would not be able to stay calm and discuss his mission with the Supervisor otherwise, so without even stopping by his room to leave his rucksack he stomps to Allen's room, whom Lenalee has told me a few days ago is already back from his mission.

He bangs on the door repeatedly, his teeth gritting and his hands fisting and unclenching with fury. He hears some movements coming from inside the room but he can't wait another second so he keeps banging on the door until it cracks open and Allen peeks outside with a scared look in his eyes.

As soon as Kanda sees him he pushes the door open throwing his rucksack inside the room, he pins Allen to the wall with his forearm under his chin, shuts the door with his leg and shouts at him:

"I hate you! Do you hear me _Allen Walker_? I fucking hate you!"

His eyes are red from fury and sleep deprivation, his voice a boiling growl that he hisses gritting his teeth at a mere inch from Allen's mouth.

Allen is terrified, his eyes big silver pools fixed shocked on Kanda's face. He is slightly tiptoeing because Kanda is lifting him up, pressing him against the wall with his legs, and he holds onto Kanda's arm, fighting to breath.

Kanda keeps venting out, months of repressed anger flowing out without control:

"I hate you! I hate you for what you've done to me! I can't take a fucking step without thinking about you! Your fucking words, your fucking kiss! I can't go on like this! Get the hell out of my head! Even if I'm thousands of miles away I still smell your damn scent, I still see your face, hear your words, dream of you! How dare you do this to me?! How dare you make me this weak?! I don't want any bonds, do you hear me? I don't need you! I _hate_ you!"

Kanda looks just out of his mind, Allen is still scared to death and he is trying to keep up with what the other boy is saying, just barely understanding it and confused as to how all of that would be _his_ doing.

Kanda stops talking to catch his breath and the air stands still, as if fearing what's going to happen next. He's still staring at Allen, panting heavily without even blinking but then Allen whines lightly and feebly shifts his body against Kanda's and the Japanese suddenly blinks twice, taking notice of where he is and what he is doing, of his body pressed against Allen's and his face so close to the boy he can feel Allen's scared breath on his face. His eyes flip open from being sharp arrows to big black stars, he stands still for a moment confused, aroused and then suddenly moves his arm from Allen's neck to his waist, and closes the distance between their faces, harshly kissing the boy and closing his eyes.

He pushes his face against Allen's, immediately deepening the kiss, rubbing Allen's tongue and sucking on it, pulling it in his mouth. He grunts, rocking his head to feel the boy's lips move against his and pushes his pelvis forward, grinding his already throbbing member against Allen's.

Allen is caught off guard by the kiss and for a moment just stands there eyes wide, feeling all of Kanda _in_ and _against_ him. He sure doesn't get what's going on, but he has repressed his dreams of this moment so many times while in Rome that he soon starts returning the kiss.

From the moment Allen gives in to Kanda, things start going more feverishly and passionately, Kanda's hand finding his way under Allen's shirt, Allen hugging Kanda's neck, pressing his lower half against the older boy's one, moaning and licking his tongue with twisting movements. Their lips open and close at the same time, over and over again, as they savour the feeling given by their wet soft lips brushing against each other.

They break the kiss panting for a moment and Allen takes this chance to lick Kanda's neck, softly stroking his tongue against his ear, sucking on its lobe. Kanda grunts and digs his head in Allen's hair, biting his neck when Allen pushes the tip of his tongue inside Kanda's ear.

They are both excited now, their trousers tighter and tighter as their hard organs grate against each other with every movement they make.

They start kissing again, tongues deep in their mouths, and Kanda grabs Allen's butt, lifting him so the boy can wrap his legs around his waist. He pushes against the boy, squeezing him against the wall, and this makes Allen gasp while kissing him, shivers of pleasure all over his body.

The sound of Allen's gasp is so arousing to Kanda's ears that he starts thrusting his hips forward making Allen break the kiss and gasp repeatedly at each push, with his chin high over Kanda's shoulder.

After some moments Kanda stands back from the wall, keeping Allen up with his hands, and walks backwards to the bed, sitting on the edge, with Allen straddling his lap. He then pulls the shirt over Allen's head stroking his back as the boy lowers his head to kiss him, blindly unbuttoning his shirt.

* * *

**IMPORTANT, READ THIS: Next Chapter (yes, ALL of it) is a very, _very_ descriptive sexual intercourse. Don't read it if you don't feel comfortable. You can easily skip it and read the one afterwards. If you do read it don't you dare flame me saying anything about pervs and gay sex.**

Tch, this _is_ an M rated yaoi fic, and I'm separating the chaps so that you are not forced through the scene. You can skip it because you won't miss anything of the story.

**You be warned!  
**


	16. Chapter 16

I take it that if you are here to read the 16th chapter you are aware that** this contains a fully descriptive homosexual intercourse**.

However I want to warn you once more that I'm not a suggestive one, I _describe_ things thoroughly so **if you don't feel comfortable** in reading this kind of works **then skip this chap**.

Nothing happens a part from sex so you won't miss anything from the story.

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Once Kanda's shirt is thrown to the floor Allen pushes Kanda down on the bed, laying on the Japanese boy and kissing him with passion. He then starts sliding down along Kanda's body kissing, nipping and licking his neck and shoulders, chest, abs and navel until his mouth is stopped by the belt. Kanda props himself up on his elbows to watch Allen as he takes their clothes off and then moves back up to his waist, laying naked between his legs, uncovering his erection and holding it tight in one hand.

The boy then looks up straight in Kanda's eyes while with the point of his tongue he licks the tip of his hard member, making the Japanese gasp an incoherent sound. He smirks enjoying the power he has over the boy laying under him, and very slowly licks the length of the erection with the whole of his tongue before taking it in his warm mouth.

Kanda's heart pounding in his ears makes him feel dizzy and he almost stops breathing, his mind gone blank from bliss, as he lays back down when Allen starts sucking him slowly lifting and lowering his head. Kanda's clenching the bed sheets almost in ecstasy but although Allen is enjoying taking care of his erection he doesn't let him reach his orgasm and instead retreats himself from his dripping organ, leaving him to take a deep breath.

He then kneels across Kanda and bends down to roughly kiss him, making him relax his muscles. Kanda glides his hand on Allen's back to his butt and then to pump his member, while his other hand cups the boy's face while they kiss. Allen feels Kanda's strong hand stimulate his already hard cock and his breathing grows shallow in response. Then, Kanda slides the other hand to the boy's mouth, letting him lick three of his fingers while still stroking his member. The boy complies without complaining, sucking at each finger while licking them wet, eyes locked on Kanda's and then starts kissing him again as he finds his way into him, first with one finger and then adding the other two.

It is painful at first but soon the fingers rubbing inside him make Allen whine of pleasure and open his eyes, whispering in Kanda's ear that he is ready. He lifts up then and adjusts himself on Kanda's hard member, slowly lowering his hips, letting the boy inside himself. He's handsome, panting and sweating, and Kanda feels cramps of pleasure in his groin as he watches Allen lift his chin up when his body stretches to allow his erection in. When he finally sits on Kanda Allen opens his eyes to see that the older boy has arched his back for the intense pleasure and is gaping soundlessly. He slowly rocks forward, making Kanda thrash his head to his right, eyes shut and lips apart, and then starts raising and lowering his hips, entranced by the feeling that Kanda's entering cock gives him. Stretching now makes him bite down on his lower lip as pleasure mounts as a tide inside him with every time he lets Kanda's cock out and then in again.

Kanda's member feels warm and tight inside Allen, and he puts his hands on Allen's hips, to guide the boy's movements to a rhythm that sends mind-blowing waves through his member to his head. They start moving together, Allen fucking himself on Kanda's cock and Kanda thrusting upwards into Allen's ass when the boy lifts himself up. This movement locks them together, fingers entwined as Allen pushes himself on Kanda's hands propped up on the elbows, and each thrust makes the boys grunt and whine. Kanda's member is squeezed inside Allen and since the boy knows that the tighter his ass the more intense the shivers Kanda gets, he tightens his lower muscles around Kanda, smiling when the Japanese gasps and arches his back in surprise.

Kanda isn't one to be played with though, so he pulls Allen down on the bed beside him, making the boy kneel on all four. He moves in between Allen's legs and guides his member to Allen's entrance and slowly pushes in, his heart beating furiously at the immense pleasure while Allen moans and once more lifts his chin up closing his eyes.

Grabbing Allen's hips Kanda starts thrusting forward, keeping the boy steady and lowering his head in pure bliss. The deep thrusts make Allen fall on his elbows and open his mouth crying of pleasure each time Kanda's hips clash against him.

It is the first time for both boys to feel such intense emotions and their bodies react uncontrollably to the waves of pleasure overwhelming them. Kanda drops on his hands enveloping Allen's back with his chest and bites his shoulder blade making the boy gasp. Allen wriggles under Kanda but then pleads him to continue when he realises those bites are so arousing he nearly screams. Feeling he's approaching ecstasy Kanda stops biting Allen's soft skin and straightens himself up, thrusting faster and harder grunting, his hair sticking to his sweating shoulders. The snapping pushes bring Allen over the edge and as the tide of pleasure rises inside him he grabs his own length, pumping it to eruption. And when he feels he's coming he calls Kanda's name frenetically over and over, stuttering and gasping on the word while releasing his seed on the blanket.

Kanda ears the boy gasping his name and feels Allen tighten around his erection. This new sensation makes him dig his fingers in the soft skin of Allen's hips and he grunts pushing inside the now narrow cavern as he is quickly lead to a violent orgasm that leaves him shuddering and drained.

He remains inside the boy until his shivers stop and then flops on the bed beside Allen, panting.

* * *

**Right, I told you... I write descriptive sex... I hope you enjoyed it.**

**It was quite difficult to write it, much more than... a-hem... imagining it, so I hope I managed not to make it too wordy. Hope you can follow the action and their emotions easily without being stuck on some weird sentence or too many adverbs.**

**Don't drool on the keyboard when you leave me a review :p  
**


	17. Chapter 17

**Enjoy!**

* * *

They lay on their backs one next to the other catching their breaths for some moments before moving, exhausted by both the physical effort and pleasure which has drained them of all their strength.

Kanda slowly turns on his side facing Allen, and slowly follows the line of Allen's profile with his eyes, until the boy turns his head and they find themselves studying each others. Kanda is deep in thought, but Allen is feeling just pure bliss. He reaches for the bed sheet under him and gently wipes his semen away from Kanda's thigh, feeling the eyes of the other boy follow each one of his movements. Kanda lets Allen clean him in silence, and then lightly touches his hand, to stop him from cleaning himself. Allen raises his eyes questioningly and then freezes when Kanda takes the sheet from his hand and wipes his belly with very slow strokes.

He watches in surprise as the samurai gently rubs his belly clean and then sighing lays back on the pillow, one arm bent under his head and his eyes closed. This moment is so sweet and intimate for Allen that he can't keep his joy in and grins leaning over Kanda, lightly kissing the corner of his mouth.

Kanda's eyes flip open but what Allen sees in them make him stop in mid air, his grin slowly fading away.

Confusion?

Regret?

Definitely not bliss.

.

.

"I still hate you."

It's a whisper, but it resounds like a bomb in Allen's ears.

"Wha?… How… how can you say you hate me now… We've… you… you started this…"

"Tch… don't you know the difference between fucking and making love to someone, moyashi?"

Kanda stands up, his naked body showing his moving muscles to Allen as he bends down to pick his clothes. He's so handsome Allen can't stop staring at him even if he is petrified by Kanda's words.

Kanda is buttoning his trousers up and he glances sideways at the boy kneeling on the bed shocked. He gets angry because Allen is making him feel like he is behaving like a jerk and it is not true, he _has_ told Allen he hates him, he has always had and it was the first and only thing he has told him since he has first seen him earlier this morning.

It's not like he has ever said anything different to the boy, so why is he feeling like a jerk at seeing Allen's hurt expression?

"What just happened is nothing, just a stress reliever. I've never told you I loved you, have I? Just, forget about me."

He leaves the room in a hurry, his shirt still open, but he just can't take Allen's hurt and shocked silence anymore, so he rushes out and heads straight to Komui's office. Talking about the mission will distract him from feeling unnecessary guilt.

--

"_Why does it always have to end like this?"_

Allen is sobbing, broken, still kneeling on his bed, bent forward on his arms.

"_Why does he treat me like this? Just like that time... he kissed me back but then left for Morocco without saying a word! And now, this time he even started it! And then… and then…_

_He hates me? God why did he fuck me if he hates me?!"_

Allen grabs his stomach because it feels like an empty hole is boring through his body and he cries, feeling used, rejected and confused.

--

After the meeting with Komui Kanda quickly takes a shower and then shuts himself in his room, with the intention of making up for the nights he hasn't slept recently.

Not surprisingly though, he can't.

If he really wanted to get rid of Allen fucking him passionately wasn't really the best thing to do, so he lays on his bed thinking.

"_What got into me? I was shouting at him, telling him I hate him and then… and then I couldn't control myself."_

And it felt like paradise, an ecstasy that makes him blush at the thought even though he tries to deny that he _wanted_ to be with Allen, that it was not a casual event. And of course that it was not just sex, because he loved watching him straight in his eyes, and holding his hands to support him. He remembers how it felt to caress him and to taste his tongue and he growls fighting the truth.

"_I can't. It is impossible that I want him. I don't want anybody, I don't need anybody!"_

And once again he decides he will consciously ignore his heart and his body, trying to forget how Allen has helped him overcome his block and how he has missed him while in Africa.

--

Allen spends the rest of the day in his room, and only eats something because Lenalee is forcing him to, although the only thing he would really like to do is to dive into solitude and silence and let himself whither away. Because it is painful to think that he has been played by Kanda, the person he cares about most. He has tried to stop feeling for Kanda while he was in Rome, but in the end all he could do was make things worse.

He lays curled up in his bed, staring blankly out of the window and thinks:

"_Of course I know the difference between sex and love… but that's the problem. He's got a fucking dual personality._

_First he shouts he hates me and then he wipes my belly gently like only a lover would do! And he looks straight into my eyes during the whole thing… he couldn't do it if he really hated me, could he?_

_I don't understand… how can he behave like two totally different persons?_

_His actions are so random: he punches me, then he hugs me; he cries saying he needs my help and then he almost chokes me saying he doesn't need me__; he makes love to me and then he tells me to forget about him__._

_God! Could he be any more schizoid? I understand it must be hard for him to come to terms with his feelings but he can't play with me like I'm a toy for his experiments!"_

--

Six days go by in which Allen and Kanda try to ignore each other but always end up staring lost in thought at the other.

Kanda growls some Japanese curse every time he realises he's once again lost in Allen's eyes and walks away. He is having a tough time convincing himself that the only thing he feels for Allen is hate, and that he doesn't long for the boy's touch. So every time he finds himself hypnotised by Allen's smile he feels the urge to punch himself and retreats to the only place where he's sure not to meet the boy: the training room.

Instead Allen is confused by having the Japanese continuously stare at him sidways and then stomp away, and although he never shows he notices any of Kanda's doings he's privately hurt by the other's cold reaction. He slowly starts to feel anger towards him and the morning of the seventh day, after Kanda coldly refuses to go on a mission with him, he decides he can't stand Kanda's childish behaviour anymore and that the time has come to confront him.

* * *

**What can I say? Kanda is Kanda. A proud cold hearted bastard in endless denial. But don't worry... Allen can be pretty scary when he's angry... and oh boy Kanda has made him angry now.**

**Next chap: Go Allen, confront him and tell him he's an idiot!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Allen finds Kanda in the training room, sweat trailing down his forehead and bare chest, raucously panting. He is immediately flooded with memories of Kanda fucking him last week and he swallows hard but then he forces himself to concentrate on what he has come here for, so he loudly bangs the door shut and stomps to the Japanese.

Kanda is quite surprised to see Allen in his once safe haven but most of all he's alarmed by Allen's sharp eyes fixed on him. He takes a step back and fluidly raises Mugen to Allen's throat. This action stops Allen but only intensifies his gaze, and the boy starts venting, his skin grazing Mugen's tip:

"You are schizophrenic! You think I don't see how you keep staring at me? But then when I turn my head you stomp away!

Fucking hell Kanda! You've got a dual personality?

You want to forget you looked for my help? That you cried in my arms? Uh? That you hugged me and whispered "Thank You" in my ears?

Or maybe you want to forget what happened _next_?

That you spent three months in Africa and all you could think about was _me_!! That you saw my face, heard my words, smelled _my scent_! This is what you said _that_ time, that you hated me for all this but as soon as you saw me all you could do was fuck me!

And you did Kanda, oh yes you did fuck me, and you liked it too. And you looked at me straight in my eyes while I was riding you, you can't deny it Kanda! That's why you are so fucking angry now!

Because you don't want to admit that you need me, that you care for me, that you fucking want me!"

Mugen is shaking in Kanda's hand. His face is white stone, a mixture of anger and shock in his eyes, but Allen stops shouting just enough to catch his breath and then goes on, merciless:

"What did you think? That you could treat me like a priest? Come talk to me when you need to vent, receive some magic answer to cure your problem and not feel a bond grow? You only wanted to use me to solve your problem right? You didn't want to need me further, let alone starting to care about me! You are fucking selfish! You wanted a one sided relationship, for _your_ needs.

Do you know where you went wrong Kanda?

Where all your selfish plan went shit?

When you didn't realise that you have become more human! That your breakdown opened your fucking stone heart to human emotions!

Ah! You can't believe it right? That your heart would start caring about someone without your consent!

So now you try to deny it, ignore me, even after having sex you still don't admit it to yourself… that you want to be with me! Like a fucking human being! Because no-ooo Kanda isn't human! He can't _feel_!

Well face it Pretty Hair, you like me!"

Allen is shouting, unaware of blood trailing down his throat, all of that happened to Kanda becoming clear to him as he's shouting. Yes, it's all clear now but he also understands Kanda will tear him to pieces with his dual behaviour unless he steps back and let Kanda make up his mind.

So he calms down, and seriously says:

"You like me, but you hate the fact that you have let someone inside your heart. You hate that you need someone but you still want me. It's this, isn't it?"

Kanda's eyes are wide with shock for Allen's words have stabbed him right in his heart. It's true, it's all true. He slowly lowers Mugen, his hand shaking vigorously. Allen takes this as a positive answer, and goes on:

"I don't want to be hurt by you anymore. I don't want to be used by you when you need me and then be forgotten, or _ignored_. I don't want to be the object of your lust and then be rejected.

I give up on you, I don't want to be a toy shred apart by your vacillation, so if you come to me again I want you to have come down to terms with yourself, otherwise stay away from me."

And without waiting for an answer he turns and walks out of the training room.

Once out he leans on the door, shaking uncontrollably, all adrenaline washing away and leaving him scared and shocked. He can't believe the way he has behaved in there, facing Mugen without flinching, shouting at Kanda and speaking so openly about his feelings. He can't really remember what _exactly_ he has said, his heart had talked without stopping by his mind, so he hasn't memorised his vent. He only knows that what he said has made sense and that Kanda was truly shaken by it. He's quite impressed by himself, and he walks away to his room, still a bit surprised that he survived.

And he really should be surprised he has survived... calling Kanda "Pretty Hair" and getting away with it... it's the end of the world.

--

It's Kanda's turn to be petrified now. He stands silently in the middle of the training ground, Mugen down along his body and eyes fixed on the door. His mind is still blocked by the shock of having Allen spit out loud all of his soul, because yes, everything Allen has said was true.

"_How can he know me so well?"_

And it is a stupefying epiphany the moment he admits to himself he actually likes Allen, that he wants him, that he is a different person now and that he can't keep relying on nothing except Mugen. His breathing becomes more shallow by the second and he runs half-naked out of the training room, still holding Mugen, wanting to find Allen and tell him not to give up on him, not to leave him alone now that he accepts he needs him.

He reaches Allen's room and knocks on the door, rushing inside as soon as Allen opens it. He's frantic, his eyes wide and his breath very shallow. Allen is worried as he doesn't really understand what Kanda is doing and when the boy lets Mugen fall on the floor with a clang and hugs him tight he blinks twice, gasping incredulous.

"You were right. Everything you said is true."

Allen feels a punch of joy at his stomach but his mind reminds him of the other two times Kanda had deluded him before coldly rejecting him afterwards, so he painfully pushes Kanda away.

"Already? You came to this conclusion in, like, ten minutes?"

He turns to open the door but he finds himself pressed against the wall, locked to the Japanese by an arm wrapped around his chest, Kanda flat against his back. And the Japanese whispers in his ear, lost in Allen's scent:

"I knew it all along, you said it too that I was just desperately denying it. Your words have opened my eyes."

And while he huskily talks in Allen's ear he slides his hand from Allen's chest down to his thigh, rolling the palm of his hand and wrist against his groin. Allen gasps of surprise, a sudden throb in his member confirming his growing arousal. He pushes his hips back from Kanda's hand, only to find his butt pressing against Kanda's already hardening organ. The Japanese can't ask for anything better so with a malicious smile he pushes forward, rolling his pelvis against Allen's butt while still stroking his member.

"All this time I've tried to deny my feelings for you it felt like walking blindfolded on a rocking ship, suddenly loosing the balance and crashing onto the walls. But you've taken the blindfold away today. Everything is so clear now."

He brushes his cheek against Allen's neck, feeling the boy shiver and whimper, and then he slips his hand inside the boy's pants, sighing when he slides his fingers along Allen's cock. Allen moans when Kanda's hand starts moving and he raises his arms to support himself against the wall, thrusting and rolling his hips back against the Japanese's, lust already fogging his mind. Kanda is pleasantly surprised by Allen's initiative and starts unbuttoning both their trousers, his fingers inaccurate with impatience.

"D-don't do this… if… you are going to regret it afterwards…"

Allen's whimper makes him pause to whisper: "I'm not scared anymore. You are my strength. I want you. Tell me _Allen_, do you want me?"

He teases Allen, and he kisses the boy's neck, his tongue sliding through his lips to lick his ear, making him curl up with a sudden shiver of pleasure. When he hears Allen breath out a lusty "yesss" he sighs, smiling in anticipation, and quickly lowers both his and Allen's trousers.

* * *

What? **Too soon for another sex scene?** I know I know, a week passed but I couldn't manage to write much about it, so it looks like they're doing it again immediately. Damn... oh well. **Tell me what you think about Allen's venting**... I think he hit deep, right?

About Allen not remembering his exact words, don't think it's strange. It happens to me all the time, when i keep something bottled up for too long and then I burst out and vent, my heart directly speaks out of my mouth and I loose track of what I say. When I finally stop I can't remember a word, but people usually clap or compliment me. I really should carry a recorder...

And **I'm sorry if now Kanda acts so OOC**... I truly am. I've been thinking about this for a week now and even if I wanted to keep him IC I couldn't really discard the fact that Allen has changed him. So, well, the only way I could maintain his usual self now is to make him strong and sure of what he wants now. He's going to take it now that he accepts he wants it. Does this make sense? **Please review, I really need someone else's opinion on this chapter.**

And again,** next chap is a graphic sex scene**. Not blabbering long again, just warning you.


	19. Chapter 19

**Another mature chapter. Again, no real need to read it. You can just skip it.**

* * *

Kanda has never felt so free, so open to emotions and pleasure, without refraining himself and without feeling guilt so he quickly takes off his and Allen's underwear and leans against the boy, one hand travelling to the boy's erection and the other one around his chest, holding the boy tight.

He nips at Allen's neck and ear, fondling his organ and pressing his hard one in the fissure of Allen's butt, making him moan and roll against his cock with impatience.

Kanda is already fully naked while Allen still has his shirt on, so the Japanese slides his arms under the shirt and pulls it up over Allen's head, leaving his bare back to feel Kanda's warm chest pressed against him.

The contact of naked warm bodies is making them drunk with lust so without waiting any further Kanda slides two fingers inside Allen's tight entrance, moving them in and out to prepare him and tease him.

Soon after Allen whimpers pleading him to take him so Kanda holds him by his hips and guides the tip of his erected member inside the boy. Stretching is a bit painful at first but pleasure immediately submerges Allen as Kanda starts to slowly take him, pushing his pelvis upwards between the boy's spread legs.

It is a slow movement that makes them gasp at each thrust, for they can feel the other boy's pulsing heart through the sensitive skin of their organs. After a while Kanda leans closer to Allen hugging him and rubbing his chest on the boy's back while still taking him, and Allen understands Kanda needs more contact, so he bends his body backwards to touch more of Kanda's chest and leans the back of his head on Kanda's shoulder. They are standing straight, entwined in a tight hug and moving together, Allen stretching his arms behind him to hold Kanda's thighs and Kanda gripping Allen's swollen cock while pushing inside him.

However, although this position allows them to completely feel the other's boy's naked body, it is an uncomfortable one, and Kanda soon steps back, taking Allen's hand and guiding him to the bed.

He pulls the bed sheets up and waits for Allen to lay under them before reaching him and laying beside him, one leg between Allen's and his hips and chest partially covering the boy. He looks straight into Allen's eyes and lifts the boy's chin cupping his cheek with one hand, kissing him for the first time during their meeting.

It is a sensual kiss, soft lips and wet tongue warming Allen's heart with bliss of acceptance, and he kisses Kanda back, putting all his soul and heart in the kiss. And Kanda notices the kiss is a meaningful one, deep but sweet and without inhibitions, so he pulls Allen closer, feeling the boy hug him tight with his arms around his neck. He thus slides one hand to Allen's cock rubbing his palm against the wet tip and then tightening his grip on the length moving his hand rhythmically to give Allen pleasure. The boy breaks the kiss, moaning loudly and staring into Kanda's eyes when his breaths grow shallow as he approaches his orgasm. But it is too soon for him, he doesn't want to end it so quickly, so he gently stops Kanda's hand, entwining his fingers with his and pulling the Japanese's leg deeper between his thighs with his knee.

The new pressure of Allen's hips on his erection is enough to make Kanda's lust take him over, so he props himself up on his arms over the boy, laying in between Allen's legs. He then enters Allen, eyes locked on the boy's, and starts fucking him slowly, his back arching forward with each thrust and a grunt of pleasure and effort escaping his mouth every time. This new position and the intimacy of facing each other under the bed sheet are causing Allen growing waves of pleasure at each thrust so the boy wraps his legs around Kanda's waist and scratches his nails on his back, pulling his head backwards. His eyes are showing white underneath the closed eyelids and he cries of pleasure every time Kanda's hips push against his pelvis.

Kanda thrusts rhythmically out to the tip and in again, making his muscles shine with sweat and he feels ever more aroused by Allen's ecstatic look and by the tip of his cock rubbing deep inside Allen's. He can't keep the movements slow anymore, he craves for more so he quickens his pace, snapping hard back in Allen without having pulled completely out and falling to one elbow. This new rhythm makes the boys more frantic as they feel they are both reaching their limits so Allen grabs Kanda's butt, unwrapping his legs from his waist, and pushes his hips upwards fucking himself deeper on Kanda's cock, timing himself with the Japanese's thrusts, doubling their pleasure. They are carried away by the growing ecstasy and their breathing becomes hoarse and their moans and grunts louder. Cramps of pleasure in their groins makes them move frenetically faster and deeper one towards the other, loosing control over themselves.

And in fact both of them reach their orgasm shortly afterwards, Kanda's pulsing member releasing his seed inside Allen. He completely stiffens on the boy, loudly gasping against the pillow next to his ear, light shivers all over his body and his mind totally overwhelmed by the feeling. Meanwhile the British boy thrusts upwards one last time, pulling on Kanda's butt to lift himself towards him and feel Kanda's cock grow and come pulsing inside him. This last feeling leads him over the edge and he immediately comes in between them, gasping Kanda's name in his ear and then flopping down exhausted. Finally Kanda falls down on both elbows, flat on Allen's chest, as shivers of pleasure reach his arms making him weak.

* * *

**Meh... not really satisfied with this, I might go back and re-write it some time. Hope you like it though.**

**Just wanted to warn you that next chap will be the last one. I could continue the story but right now I feel it would just be ruined if I added more.**


	20. Chapter 20

**So here it is... the last chapter. -sniff- :'(  
**

Ehm... a present for all of you... some more smex... but a surprisingly more seme-ish Allen. (unfortunately you can't skip this one)

**Enjoy it!  
**

* * *

Kanda and Allen lay panting on the bed, sweat trailing down their skin and their muscles aching for the effort.

"_It's true… that time he just fucked me, but this time… Oh God, this time…"_

Allen has felt the difference in Kanda's behaviour, and a fist of joy squeezes his heart at the thought of _making love_ to Kanda, not just being fucked by him.

In the back of his mind an evil thought makes him doubt Kanda's sincerity and fear of being rejected one more time, but the caresses, the hugs, _the kiss_, all of it spoke of true feelings and acceptance, so he smiles and closes his eyes, happy.

Kanda in turn is almost dumbfounded by the intensity of pleasure he has felt this time, the need to see Allen's face while taking him still burning in his mind. He can feel the usual reaction to loosing control kicking in but he is not as scared anymore.

"_It might have taken time for me to accept I want to be with Allen, but I made up my mind now and I'm not going to run away anymore."_

He moves his hand under the bed sheet searching for Allen's hand, and when he finds it he entwines his fingers in between Allen's, awkwardly hoping for him to return the hold. And he feels a smile surface on his lips when Allen squeezes his hand back, adjusting his arm to a more comfortable position.

He takes the hand away soon though, moving his arm behind Allen's neck, turning and pulling the boy towards him to have him rest on his chest.

It is difficult for Allen to believe he is not dreaming so he lifts his head up and looks into Kanda's eyes, waiting to have an answer to his doubts, ready to be rejected. Kanda tilts his head to look at Allen and when he sees fear timidly surfacing in those silver lakes he slides down to kiss the boy. Their lips softly brush against each other, it is a caste kiss, but the sweetness and delicateness of the touch is so very unlike-Kanda that it deeply moves Allen and tears of joy fill his closed eyes.

Kanda is not good at expressing his feelings but he knows he owes Allen so he tries, clearing his throat as an introduction and whispering:

"You saved me. You helped me find myself again, and I am stronger than before. It kind of annoyed me that you knew me so well. Heck, it still annoys me now. But what I couldn't accept was that… that I… have… fallen for you. "

Allen's eyes shoot open and he stares at Kanda holding his breath, stunned by the confession. Kanda is quite embarrassed by the astonished look and frowns, hissing threateningly. At this sight Allen is positively scared and acts before thinking, stopping Kanda's hiss with his warm mouth, trying to placate the tiger. And surprisingly Kanda's hiss does fade as soon as Allen's tongue caresses his clenched teeth, and he allows entrance to the British boy, eagerly returning the kiss and blushing in the safety of the closeness, sure that the boy will not see it.

He feels Allen's tears wet his cheek and he misinterprets them thinking his growl has caused them, so he backs away slowly from the boy and cups his cheek, brushing the wet trail away with his thumb. It's the first time in his life he feels he can freely show his sweet side without looking weak, actually, it's the first time in his life he discovers he _has_ a sweet side, and his heart clenches at the thought his behaviour might hurt the precious being he has found.

"_My_ _moyashi_… It took me so long... I've been such a jerk. This thing still scares me a little… it's new to me…

But I can tell you one thing for sure: it scares me more to imagine going back to a life without you. I've found my strength in you."

Allen can't hold his sobs in anymore, his heart pounds in his chest as if to leap outside and he finds himself unable to speak coherently. He hugs Kanda tighter burrowing his head in the boy's neck, grinning uncontrollably.

They lay there hugging each other and caressing their backs and hips, lightly kissing each other and nuzzling their necks and cheeks, Allen giggling and Kanda murmuring his nickname in the sweet new possessive form over and over, protectively pulling him in a bone crushing hug.

Their feet are entwined, Kanda's knee massaging Allen's inner thighs, and the tips of his fingers tracing ghost circles on the most sensitive skin of Allen's lower back. The boy arches backwards, shivers starting like lighting from Kanda's fingers and running along his body like electricity, brushing his member on Kanda's thigh.

The Japanese boy is aroused by the boy's moans and arching body and he gently pushes Allen's hip to make him lay on his back. He chuckles in the boy's ear as he finds it very amusing that Allen gets so easily aroused, so while his hand starts stroking the boy's throbbing member he whispers alluringly:

"You're always going to be an helpless beansprout afterall… but be sure to be _my_ beansprout only."

And Allen smiles with his eyes closed, his head pressed against the pillow as his body once more arches back for Kanda's ministrations. He moans a lusty yes and Kanda doesn't understand if the boy is answering to his touch or his words. But he doesn't care at the moment, and he stretches to fill the boy's mouth with a wet kiss, while he rubs his thumb into the cleft of Allen's member feeling the erection pulse in his palm.

Allen's breath grows shallow as Kanda is pumping him with agonizingly slow movements under the bed sheet. He reaches for Kanda's cock, wrapping his fingers along the already hard length and starts pumping erratically unable to keep a rhythm. He roughly rubs his thumb along the crease at the base of the head of Kanda's member, making the Japanese hiss at the feeling. He cries a very needy sound when Kanda's fingers reach lower to lightly squeeze his scrotum and caress his entrance, still lingering and teasing. He turns around to kneel on the bed, commanding his teasing lover to sit up against the wall, lust making him get to the point immediately and taking the lead.

He straddles Kanda grabbing the sitting boy's shoulders and licks his ear while rolling his hips to rub his hard cock against Kanda's. Allen's hard member against his is teasing Kanda to insanity, so he grabs the boy's buttocks tightly but doesn't guide his movements, letting him continue his mind-blowing game. The boy changes his position, allowing Kanda's member to reach behind his butt and rubs his cleft along its length whining of desire. He's making Kanda insanely aroused, he feels the Japanese's already dripping cock swollen and inconceivably hard in between his buttocks while his own member is being pumped purple by the boys' bellies with each of his lift ups. He whines in Kanda's ear and panting whispers with a malicious smile:

"Oh yes, I might still be a moyashi… _your_ moyashi... but don't underestimate me…"

And to underline his threat, he reaches with one hand behind his back to palm and squeeze Kanda's tip, making the boy groan loudly.

"Beg me… tell me you want me to fuck you… say my name… say it… Yuu…"

Kanda flinches at being called by his given name but in that moment he finds it extremely arousing and he digs his nails into Allen's buttocks crazy with lust and impatience and he groans:

"Oh God… do it… fuck me… do it for fuck's sake!"

But Allen isn't satisfied… he knows what he wants to hear, and he lifts himself to rub Kanda's tip in his cleft, the desire to impale himself almost winning him over:

"No, Yuu… beg me… say my _name_…"

And Kanda surrenders, his painful erection screaming in his mind he can't wait any longer, so he growls:

"Please… please Allen… I beg you… Oh!… oh God… oh yes, yes…"

Kanda's begging turns to a gasping delirium when Allen impales himself on his cock, engulfing him with hot tightness.

Allen mercilessly moves rough and quick on his lover, sweat soon making him slick over Kanda's belly, and he whines and cries as he frantically fucks himself on Kanda.

Kanda is left speechless by Allen's rhythm, he finds it difficult to even breath because of the growing ecstasy, his world closing around his member so gloriously stimulated by the untamed creature on his lap.

He helps Allen keep the rhythm with his strong hands and gasps and sobs as he feels his orgasm approaching furiously like a waterfall.

Allen is restless, he snaps himself up as soon as Kanda is fully inside him and then crashes down violently when he feels Kanda's tip brushing the tender skin of his buttocks. It is a frenetic and rough speed that brings him to the edge in a matter of minutes, but oh what minutes… he feels he's going to die, while Kanda would bet anything that Allen is going to fuck him mad. Their hearts pound deafeningly in their ears and their gasps and cries grow louder and quicker by the second, in a delirious climax.

And when they both reach their orgasms it is a wild emotion, Kanda calling to God while seeing black spots and Allen screaming arching backwards unnaturally.

Time stops in this moment, their bodies stiffening and shuddering violently as their seeds spill from their members in hot spurts. Allen goes limp on Kanda soon after, resting his head on the boy's shoulder shuddering and Kanda hugs him loosely, his arms aching from the effort of lifting the boy during his frenetic act.

When they finally are able to speak and move again Allen lifts himself up for the last time, letting Kanda out of himself, hot liquid slipping down his thigh. They both lay again, Kanda's chest warm against Allen's back and before sleep wins them over Kanda whispers in his ear:

"You know… the mission I refused today… three months on our own… sharing the same room… it doesn't look so bad now…"

And as he ears Allen smirk an amused yes Kanda falls asleep, finally complete, his arms being pulled around Allen's chest and tightly hugged by his other half.

_The End_

* * *

**Ta-daaaa!**

**What do you think? Kanda too emotional? It was f--ng difficult to keep him IC in this chap, but I think I kind of managed. He his sweet and loving but still a little of a bastard, not really accepting how Allen can know him so well and still needing to adjust to his need of the boy... and of course he's a bastard that loves teasing Allen.**

**But I told you, Yuu, don't make Allen angry! Oh well, I guess since he fucked you mad you might actually want to make him angry again!**

**By the way, the "finally complete" of the last sentence is also a failed attempt at referring to the title... you know, he was shattered and now he's complete again. But it mainly refers to the fact that Allen is his other half and that by being with the boy they make one complete being. Laaaaaaaaame, I know -.-**

**So for now this is goodbye, but don't be sad, as soon as I'm back from my holidays I'll submit the first chap of the new story(ies) I've been working on. And who knows? Maybe I'll review this one and decide to add some more chaps... maybe a mission ;)  
**

**Thank you all for you support, it means a lot to me and without your reviews I would have probably gone back to writing privately.**

**Bone crushing hugs to all!**

**Sonia (giggle... you didn't know my name did you?)**


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